The hot water warms me until the shivering stops and any thoughts of the past wash away. Teddy leans around me, picking up a bottle of body wash, then pulls my arm to the side, running his soaped up hands from my wrist to my shoulder, curling around my neck. He slowly cleans every inch of me as I stand there, barely able to hold myself upright.
I gasp as his hand strokes down my stomach and wraps around my cock. “You’re so hard already, mo leannan,” he murmurs against my ear before nibbling on the lobe. Goosebumps break out all over my skin, and I start to feel overstimulated from the feel of his body and the heat of thewater. He spins me around, palming my arse, fingers casually slip between my crease. I grab his shoulders, nails digging in as I use him to hold myself up.
“You okay?” he asks, hands pausing their motion. I nod, and when I look at his face, his pupils are blown wide. He lifts my chin, lips touching mine, soft and gentle as he holds me against his chest.
When he pulls away, he sweeps my hair back and nudges me further under the water. I close my eyes and hear the click of a bottle opening, then Teddy’s fingers are raking across my scalp, his nails digging in just the right amount to make my legs go weak. He swaps our positions and pours some shampoo into my hand. I run my fingers through his dark curls, taking my time massaging it in as he reaches back, stroking my hip, pulling me tight against his back. It all feels too good.
You can never have this.
You’ll hurt him.
You’ll always be bad, little mouse.
Hot.
Fuck, it’s too hot.
My hands seek the cool tiles, and I lean against them, pushing my cheek against the ceramic, trying to cool myself down as quickly as possible.
“Bay?” I feel Teddy’s hands on my shoulders. “Hold on,” I think he says, but my ears are ringing with a high-pitched squeal, making it sound like I’m underwater. I’m lifted into the air just as everything goes black.
My vision is blurry,and static crackles in my ears. I feel Teddy’s arms around me, and try to move my head off his shoulder but it feels like a lead weight. He hoists me up higher in his arms and steps out of the shower, walking through to the bedroom where he places me on the bed.
“What happened?” he asks.
I cover my eyes with my arm as the light burns my retinas. I hear the question, but it takes a while before I can answer. “Panic,” I breathe out. “It happens sometimes when I panic. I’m fine, I just need my anxiety meds.” I reach over the side of the bed for my suitcase, and fumble around for them. Teddy disappears and comes back with a glass of water.
“Stop saying you’re fine,” he grumbles, grabbing a small towel to rub my hair dry. I lean into the touch, exhaustion dragging me under, until he makes me jump, saying, “Let’s go downstairs. I’ll make tea and put the fire on.”
I settle onto the sofa and take a sip of my tea as I watch Teddy poke around in the fireplace. It snaps and crackles to life, and the smell of woodsmoke fills the cottage. He slumps down next to me, pulling my feet into his lap. “What did you panic about?”
I look away from him, staring into the fireplace for a moment, before deciding to go with the truth. “I still feel like I’m going to hurt you.” I close my eyes tight. “I hear his voice in my head, telling me I’m bad and that I don’t deserve you.”
Teddy digs his thumbs into my instep as he massages my foot, and I melt into the cushions. “Do you believe me when I say it was Shane who hurt me?”
“Yes,” I snap, clenching my jaw tight. “But I can’t help doubting myself. I’ve questioned everything foryears. Once I moved in with you, I started to see things a little clearer, and when my mum found animals in the treehouse, IknewI hadn’t done it. But I’ve never been able to trust myself, not when Shane was always so quick to defend me, or tell me he was hurting me for my own good.” My body stiffens, angry. “There’s always been a ‘what if’ in the back of my mind, and it’s not going away. I still don’t know what happened the day my dad died. I genuinely have no memory of it—only Shane does. So what if it was me? What if it’s both of us?” Words are coming out so fast that my body is trying to hyperventilate again. “What if I’m just as fucked up as he is?”
Teddy leans forwards and grabs my hands, pulling me onto his lap. He looks up at me softly. “Want to know what my understanding of a psychopath is?”
“W-what?”
“Lack of guilt,” he says as he leans forward and kisses my forehead. “Lack of empathy.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “A manipulative, self-important liar.” He catches my bottom lip between his teeth and sucks on it a little, making it throb. He releases me and asks, “Have you ever lied to me, Bay?”
The tears I was holding back come hot and fresh now. “Y-yes.”
“When?”
“When I told you I—I didn’t want to go with you to Scotland. And when I told you I didn’t love you,” I choke out, wiping the tears from my eyes.
Teddy strokes his hands up and down my bare ribs, eyes never leaving mine. “Did you ever manipulate me?”
“No!”
“Did you feel guilty when you thought you’d hurt those animals?”
“Yes.” I close my eyes. I felt guilty about it all.
Teddy’s mouth curves up on one side, “Who lied, Bay?”
