“He’s going to be ok,” Koa says reassuringly. “He’s going to be ok.” His voice cracks this time at the end, but his weak promise is the only thing I can cling to. It’s the only thing keeping me out of the dark and falling into the pit of agony I’m dangling over.
A hand rests on my other shoulder.
“They said-,” Joans voice breaks in between tears. “They said he was covered in blood but conscious when they found him. You were wrapped in his arms and all he kept saying was your name. They believe he was in shock. Once the ambulance arrived, they had to pry you out of his arms. H-He refused to let you go.” Her soft sobs continue as mine finally settle down, my jaw and teeth in pain from crying so hard.
“But how is he this bad? He was wearing his gear?” I question, unconvinced this is real.
“They believe the force of the hit and how many times he tumbled on the gravel is why his gear was so destroyed. But he would have been so much worse if he hadn’t had any on.”
I nod, still unsatisfied with her answer.
“How long will he be like this?” I whisper.
“They took him straight to surgery when he arrived to stabilize his spine and do what they could to stop the internal bleeding. We’re hoping he’ll be able to comeout of the coma in a couple days.” She sniffles and kisses me on the top of my head again. “We’re so grateful you’re ok. So, so grateful.”
I don’t know how they can be happy I’m ok. I carry the blood of someone who tried to destroy their family. Maybe they haven’t realized that part of the truth yet…
“Can you wheel me parallel to his bed so I can hold his hand and talk to you both at the same time?”
“Sure, honey.”
“Thanks.”
Once adjusted, I cling to his hand for strength.
“How can you not hate me? My father did this to your son. Didthisto your family.” My lips tremble as I force myself to hold it together and pray they don’t kick me out of the room.
Koa squats down, resting his forearms on his thighs and pushes his neck forward.
“Noneof this is your fault, honey. What your father did…” He clutches his chin out of frustration and shakes his head. “What your father did has nothing to do with you. He hit you the same time he hit our son.” He grabs my free hand and squeezes it. “We love you like our own, Charlotte. And we know how much our son loves you. You’re a part of this family now and you’ll always be welcome here. We will help you with whatever you need because we know you love our son as much as we do.”
Gratitude and love push out the darkness just a tiny bit more, bringing solid ground beneath my toes.
“I do love your son. So, so much. I-I don’t know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t make it through this,” I sniffle, as tears start streaming down my face again.
“He’s going to get through this. We all are. I promise.” His father’s strength is giving me hope in a place where I’m not sure I’m allowed to have any. “We’re going to leave you alone with him for a minute while we grab us something to eat. Would you like us to request a twin-sharing room?”
“You mean, you’ll allow me to get care in the same room as him?”
“We’d like to keep an eye on you just as much as him. It’ll be easier for us to do that with you in here. Plus, we believe it’ll help with not only Ben’s recovery, but yours as well.”
“I can’t tell you how much this means to me… but I’m not sure my mother will allow it.”
“Oh, she will,” Joan says, sternly.
“Can we request the move tonight?”
“Sure, honey. We’ll go request it now and see what paperwork we need to fill out as well as what permissions we need from your mother.”
Every time she mentions my mother, her skin scrunches like she just ate sour candy. I can resonate with her resentment. Even though my mother wasn’t in the car with my father, how do I know for sure she didn’t have anything to do with this? She has no backbone, so who knows if she knew the plan and didn’t say anything? At this point I don’t know how to start that conversation or if I ever want to take a chance at forgiveness even if she didn’t do anything wrong.
“Thank you,” I say, as Koa stands up and places me so I’m facing Ben again.
Then he walks out with Joan following behind him out of the room.
My voice quakes with each word but in case there’s any chance he can hear me, I speak, because I have to get this out.
“Baby, I’m so, so sorry. I-I’m so sorry. Why did you risk your life for mine? Why couldn’t you have protected yourself? I need you too much for this, baby. I need you to be okay. Promise you’ll stay here with me, Ben. Promise me.”
