To be fair, I don’t know who I am anymore either,I want to say.
“Whatever. Fuck it. I’ll talk to you when you cool off.”
The tone beeps three times, signaling he hung up.
I lower my phone, staring at it— more offended than I expected. I can’t believe he actually hung up on me. Drops of my tears smear and bubble on the surface of my screen. Wiping my tears on my skin first, then wiping off the moisture on the screen, I put my phone on my computer desk to charge.
Ben and I have never fought like this. He’s never treated me this way. This is theworstfeeling.
I hate this.
Tears fall harder down my face, soaking the skin down my neck onto my collarbone.
Clarity begins to settle in as the tears release the tension and anger held in my chest. Yes, he “disposed” of me because of a girl, but hedidfind subtle ways to make sure I knew I wasn’t forgotten at times. When I was cut off, he’d leave a note in my locker with an inside joke from our childhood, or one that just had my name on it and nothing else. No one else called me Char so he knew I’d know it was from him. Then there were times in class where he’d give me a soft smile or stick his tongue out at me even though he would sit all the way across the room.
In the heat of the moment, I forgot about those small hints he left showing he was still thinking of me. Granted, he didn’t do those hints often, but just enough to let me know that he still cared about me.
Mentally and physically exhausted from the night, I crawl into bed.
As I bring the sheet up over my shoulder and nuzzle my head into the pillow, I ponder if I overreacted. Even if I did overreact though, I didn’t deserve to be yelled at. I mean, what I saidistrue. He used to be so open with his emotions with me but the last couple of years, that’s dwindled. Maybe this is just what happens as we growinto adults; we share less of ourselves with other people, even our best friends.
I turn over, unable to shut my mind off enough to drift off to sleep.
Is he right? Do I need to grow up? Am I really acting like a little child because I won’t swear or get into what everyone else gets into in high school? I’ve always felt like a loner—never left fully out but never let fully into social groups. Maybe this is the reason I was never included… They could see I wasn’t on their level—see I hadn’t grown up yet.
“Ugghh,” I expel with a huff, turning on my back and covering my head fully with my sheets. I hope this fight doesn’t affect our friendship again. We were just gettingusback. I don’t want to lose that again so soon. I’ll wait and see how he reacts tomorrow or try and talk to him later in the week before school ends.
Yeah, I’m sure we’ll be fine,I reassure myself.We’ll be fine.
I roll over one more time, finally drifting to sleep thinking of Ben and his sweet smile, and all the good times we had growing up when things were easier.
Chapter Six.
My nerves get the best of me. My first class with Ben arrives, and I have no idea how we’re going to interact.
I made sure to wear something I considered cute to give myself a better shot at drawing his attention. He once whispered to me that I looked cute when I wore sundresses so I figured a long yellow sundress with brown sandals might help ease the tension. I’ve never dressed up intentionally for him, let alone anyone before.
God, this is probably a terrible idea.
A few people turn their heads to stare at me as I walk down the hallway. Is it the dress or because I actually straightened my hair today and wore some eyeliner? Ugh, now I’m even more self-conscious. What was I thinking? I wish I’d brought extra clothes to change into.
Ben’s sitting at the back, far away from the usual spot he grabs us. He must still be mad then. I move toward him but stop when I hear my name being called from the hallway.
“Hey Charlotte!” Jared says grinning widely from the doorway. Upon hearing my name, I catch Ben, in my periphery, turning around and perking up to stare directly at us. I ignore him, turning my full attention to Jared.
“Hey, Jared. What’s going on?” I casually hug my books closer to my chest.
“You’re for sure coming to my party on Saturday, right? It starts at five.” He leans on the doorway, folding his arms together nonchalantly, his red T-shirt tight enough I can see every muscle outlined underneath.
It’s common to see him shirtless at practice but for some reason it’s just now hitting me how buff he actually is. I glance quickly to the perfectly outlined six-pack under his shirt.
A familiar, wet tingling sensation revisits the spot between my legs. My lips curl in under my teeth in frustration at my body’s unbelievable gull to act like this in public.
What the heck is wrong with me? Calm down or else he’ll notice and then what would I say? Sorry, your abs areturning me on? I need to go take care of myself real quick, BRB?
I sneak a peek behind me and catch Ben staring intently at us. For sass, I flip my hair over my shoulder and turn back to Jared.
“For sure! I promise I’ll be there at five, right when it starts. How long does it last? It didn’t say on the invite.” The heat of Ben’s stare on my back radiates through me. Talking to Jared while Ben watches like this feels good. It makes me feel in control of the situation, of his emotions toward me. Who knew all I had to do to elicit an emotion out of him was talk to another guy?
