But instead of getting to live out my fantasy, he shoves his phone in his side pouch after obviously reading my message and speeds off, leaving me empty, wet and alone.
Did I do something wrong?
The rejection stings, setting my ribs tight and bringing about that familiar dull ache in my chest. With now two boys under my belt ignoring me, one who apparently has decided to stalk me, I swallow the lob in my throat and sulk into the bathroom to shower off the leftover pleasure coating my leg along with the cold emptiness settling into my soul.
Getting ready for school the next day is bittersweet. Fighting the self-consciousness from being rejected by my latest obsession, I wear the next dress in my closet, a long pale blue sundress flowing down to my mid-calf and bunched up in the middle, pushing up and accentuating my breasts. I pull the middle strings tight, tying them to allow the tops of my breasts to pop upmore. My eyes linger on them in the mirror. They seem bigger. Is it from my newfound explorations?
I bought this dress years ago for a Renaissance fair but never had the courage to wear it. Instead, I wore leather pants and a long white shirt. Safe, unnoticeable and comfortable just like me most of my life.
But this last week has been different…I’ve felt empowered for the first time ever and not just from the attention I’ve gotten from Jared but from the extra attention I’ve given myself. The ghost of a smile paints my lips. Yeah, who cares if Ben nor the biker boy want me.
My breasts bounce when I fling my backpack on, filling me with an overflowing lightness. Yeah, I’m freakin’ hot. I don’t need them. Like a string pulls my shoulders back and chest out, self-confidence returns with a vengeance.
I wish I’d found this confidence in myself sooner. My high school experience might’ve been much different than the low-key, isolated one I chose. I’ll just have to make college a different experience. One full of fun memories, life lived and new experiences.
I smile at the prospect as I park in the school parking lot. I have a feeling my life is about to get vastly better, and I’m excited for it.
When walking through the school hallway, more than a few heads turn my way, making me blush and causing me to return the attention with a painful smile.
When I got dressed this morning, I noticed my lower lip had slight bruising and swelling on it from how strong I had bitten it to keep quiet last night. I hope that isn’t the reason heads are turning to stare at me and it’s just the fact I look good in the dress. I tried to dig up whatever old makeup I had laying around to cover it so they shouldn’t be able to tell, but I’m still paranoid. If anyone asks what happened, I’ll probably freeze and stumble over my words.
What would I tell them? Oh yeah, my lip’s bruised because I masturbated so hard last night, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and almost screamed out into the house alerting my parents to my sexual activities. That’d go over well.
I’m adjusting my backpack in my usual seat in first period when Ben walks in. He takes one look at me and blushes a deep shade of red.
Ben actually blushed?
My cheeks burn to match his. His eyes lower and widen for a split second, a second that wouldn’t have been noticeable if I didn’t know him so well, before he meets my gaze and quickly looks away. An ever so subtle lip curl twitches at the edge of his mouth as if he’strying to hide a smile. I mirror him with a smirk of my own, hoping to break the ice, but unfortunately, he still moves to the other side of the classroom away from me.
I slouch, deflated from the small hope I held for a second and rotate back to my computer. Why’s he not sitting next to me? I thought his initial flicker of a smile meant he wasn’t mad at me anymore, so why the distance? Does he hate me now? Maybe he’s back with Tree, I think sadly, leaning my cheek on my left hand that’s propped up by my elbow off the wooden desk by the keyboard.
“Alright class, I know it’s the last day, but I still want to see the resumes I’ve asked you to type up. Go ahead and open them on your computers. I’ll go around in alphabetical order and review. If you have any questions, feel free to write them down so we can discuss them when I get to you. Otherwise, you may talk, quietly.”
Mrs. Coxe is the best. I’m going to miss her. She always makes sure we keep to our rules but with some amount of freedom. I can only hope I find some professors at college that make me feel as comfortable as she does.
I lazily click open my resume and leave it on the screen to wait my turn. This is so pointless to do without any work experience. It’s like,here you go. I went to school and now I’m totally unprepared to do the job I’minterviewing for…hire me.But maybe that’s just the cynic in me.
I peer at Ben discreetly to see if he’s looking at me too.
Sigh.
He’s not. He’s caught up in a conversation with Greta who once again sits right next to him.
What a good guy. As much as she annoys him and as much as he teases about running away from her, he always entertains her with kind conversation. I’ve always loved that about him.
Oops, I stared too long. Ben locks eyes with me, his lips curving into a mischievous smile before turning away again.
Embarrassed, I turn back to my computer, placing my cool palms on my cheeks to calm down.
I wonder where we’ll both end up in life. Will this be the end of our close friendship? I can’t imagine we’ll stop being friends altogether, but maybe our best friend phase has run its course. A twisted tug of sadness hits me in my core from that reality along with nostalgia for the times we may not get again.
His family’s farm has always been one of my favorite places to escape to when I’ve felt overwhelmed with life. If I could describe heaven, it would be there, helping in the field or with the livestock. Sometimes when Ben isn’taround, I’ll hang out with his father in the shop while he fixes machinery. Even just sitting here now, I can smell the exhaust from the tractors or the fresh cut hay in the field after him and his father have mowed it down and raked it. Mmm…my own personal euphoria.
I used to run over to his house on the weekends before Tree existed. When he’d come meet me straight out of the field,God, he’d smell so good, like fresh dirt and sweat. Whenever I hugged him, especially on those days, it was hard to let go. My body would completely relax like he was my own personal therapy human.
Not to mention, his parents are practically my second family. I’ve been to plenty of family dinners, holidays, family game nights and even a few vacations with them.
Although now that I think about it, my parents never returned the favor. Ben’s rarely been invited over to my house as part of the family or treated as such. I never realized that before. I wonder why that is.
