Oh God. Is this it? Am I ready for this?
No, I’m not…but I know him. He won’t push me to do something like this so soon, especially after last night, right?
The moment with Jared last night whirls around in my brain sending my heart racing. My breathing becomes faster, coiling up in smoke above me as I gaze at the stars, trying to calm down.
“Hey,” he says gently. “Are you okay?”
“I-I just…I’ve never done anything like this, and I wasn’t sure what you were expecting, and then Jared forcing me last night popped in my head and I don’t know. I’m a mess. I’m sorry,” I blurt out way too fast. I pull the blankets over my face to hide, embarrassed and self-conscious at my honest outburst.
He doesn’t respond for what seems like an eternity. I keep my eyes closed with the blanket over me to feel safe, praying he doesn’t kick me out and send me home.
“I…I’m so sorry you’re feeling uncomfortable. I promise there are no expectations. I’m not wanting or demanding anything like that from you tonight. I just figured since we started this tradition as kids it’d be fun to end it as adults. I donotwant to push you or put you in any situation you’re uncomfortable with. Char, I apologize if this seemed to push your boundaries. I’m so stupid for not considering what you went through last night and to think after our kiss where your head might be at. We can totally go inside and hangout, or if you’d like, you can head h-home.”Homecatches in his throat and comes out as a stutter.
I take a deep breath to steady my nerves. He’s right. I do know him. I’ve known him forever. He would never expect anything like that from me or force me to do anything I don’t want to do. He saved me last night, and he’s been so great and kind and protective since. I need to trust him.
I pull the covers back under my chin and turn on my side to face him. His eyes are wide and filled with worry. I wonder what he’s thinking. I feel terrible I made him feel like he did something wrong.
“I don’t want to go home.”
He releases a breath I don’t think he realizes he was holding.
“I’m sorry it even crossed my mind that you’d do anything to push my boundaries. Last night scared me,and I’m trying to navigate it. You’re my safe place, right now. My guardian. I know you wouldn’t do anything I’m not comfortable with, and I’m sorry I thought you meant any ill intentions. My brain’s just… off right now.”
“You lead, Char. Whatever you’re comfortable with, I’m game for. Well, mostly game for,” he chuckles, back to his cool, laid-back self.
He flips on his back, as do I, and we lay in silence together, looking up at the stars. The night sky is always so clear after a long rainstorm. You can never see the stars like this in the city, but in the country, they’re endless, flowing through the sky forever.
Electricity sparks between us in the unspoken silence, a magnetic energy actively drawing me toward him.
I zone out, noticing how soft the bottom blanket under us is. Without thinking, I glide my fingers across it, feeling the plushness against my skin.
I continue running my hand along the fabric until it bumps into his. That small touch is all it takes for my body to go wild. His finger twitches as if reaching out toward mine, but he doesn’t pursue it. He’s true to his word, not pressuring me and letting me drive this at my comfort level.
With courage, my hand creeps closer until our fingers intertwine and his thumb rests over top, lazily stroking itback and forth on top of my thumbs knuckle. My stomach leaps, butterflies fluttering rapidly into my breasts.
This time my breathing pace picks up from adrenaline, excitement. I start to get too hot under the covers as his touch sets me on fire, so I pull the top blanket down under my boobs and rest my other arm outside the blanket.
“So, what are your plans now? For college and your career, I mean.”
We’ve talked randomly about things we wanted to achieve over the years but never seriously. Since he’d been with Tree so often the last year, I hadn’t had an opportunity to ask him what he now plans for his life.
“Well…” He shifts his body so it’s right up against mine, our intertwined hands resting on his stomach.
The heat between my legs is going to sear me if it keeps up at this rate. Even when touching myself, I never have this intense build-up of anticipation, of want, ofneedarise. I shift my focus to his voice and the cool night air instead of the dirty, dirty images rolling through my imagination.
“I actually want to get into coding.”
That isn’t the answer I expect. The last time we talked, he was between helping his father on the farm,eventually taking over while majoring in business or majoring in chemistry and getting into research.
“Coding? What would you do with that, exactly?”
“Well, my ultimate goal is to get into the CIA or FBI and help with cybersecurity or cyber terrorism.”
My eyebrows raise at him in surprise. He doesn’t notice but instead smiles, his gaze excitedly focusing on the sky.
“That’s so freaking cool, Ben. Wow. I never knew you were interested in anything like that.”
Another unexpected pang hits me. Did Tree know this dream of his too when I didn’t?
