“Oh yeah. Your excitement smelled so strong earlier. It took pure willpower not to throw you over my shoulder, pin you behind the barn and take my time exploring you and feeling you and kissing you all over. All night I’ve been getting waves of you but nothing like how you’ve been under the blanket tonight. It’s flattering you want me as badly as I want you and insanely hot how wet you get for me.” He pauses for a minute, a shyness taking over his demeanor. “I’ll admit I was worried you wouldn’t want me.”
“Ben,” I huff. “Everyone wants you. You’re hot, smart, everyone thinks you’re cool, and you’re good ateverythingandyou ride a motorcycle. If someone didn’t want you, they’d be crazy.”
He moves his bicep under my arm and holds me to his torso, his shirt mildly soaked with sweat.
“I don’t care what everyone else thinks. I only care what you think. I never knew if you ever saw me as anything more than a friend. With graduation coming up and the unknown of how much longer we’d have with each other, I decided it was time. I wanted to make my feelings known and push the boundaries to see if you felt the same way about me or if you’d push me away. I….” He hesitates and for a moment, all I can hear is his breathing. His chest rises and falls up against me as he rests his head against mine, keeping me as close as possible.
“I’ve wanted this for years, Char. I’ve had a crush on you since the seventh grade, but I never knew how to approach you. You’re incredibly hard to read.”
My body stiffens and I press away, looking up at him in shock. “What?”
My brain glitches, unable to compute what he just said. He’s known how he's felt about me forthismany years and has never said anything? Why? We’ve had so much lost time. My life could’ve been so different.Ourlife could’ve been so different.
All the emotions surface at once. I’m so happy he decided to pursue me finally, but I’m also confused, sad and angry.
My anger subsides quickly when he gives me a few more pecks on the lips. He was right to wait. It wasn’t until Tree that I even had a flickering thought about him in a non-friend way. Even if he approached me in junior high or early high school, I don’t know if I would’ve ever gone for him or tried anything. I was so inexperienced and so shy. So unsure of myself. I most likely would’ve sabotaged the whole thing.
“But if you knew you wanted me, why’d you date Tree?”
He rolls onto his back away from me, leaving me vulnerable under the blankets and completely aware of what we had just been doing. He sighs and ruffles his hair, his silver rings shining in the light given off by the low barn lights. The rings that have the residual of me on them.
“Because I was dumb. Tree came onto me, strong, mind you. She was the girl everyone wanted, so I figured why not. Why not try it. I wasn’t getting you anytime soon, so I figured I’d use her to learn. I’d never been with a girl—”
A rush of envy hits me at the remembrance he’d been with her and done things with her I hadn’t. I cut him off, unable to take it.
“I don’t want to hear anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m so fucking jealous, I can’t stand it!”
He turns his attention over to me, his arms under his head, his biceps pressing against his T-shirt so hard the sleeves look like they might burst.
“So, youwerejealous. You never admitted it to me.”
“Why would I? You were with her and wouldn’t talk to me. I didn’t think you wanted anything to do with me. You gave me no other reason to believe otherwise, especially since you cut me off.”
“I wish I could take that back, Char. I really do. I was dumb. She was giving me sex and for a while it was all I could think about. I’m a man and I gave into my lust at the time. As I told you, she said if I didn’t stop talking to you that she was going to withhold it, and I wasn’t ready to give it up yet.”
I scoff and focus on the stars, needing to look away from him.
“I’m not proud of it. I’m sorry, Char. I really am. I-I know it’s no excuse, but it’s not easy being a man at my age. We give into our lust easily.”
“Why didn’t you pursue me earlier than the other day then?”
“I did start to, didn’t I? But the day I was going to ask you out; you started getting attention from Jared and then it seemed like I was nothing to you. You wore those dresses for him, he had his arm around you in the hallways, and you guys were together constantly.”
Anger shakes his voice. His biceps flex as his hands ball up before relaxing as he takes a deep breath.
“I only did that to make you jealous because I was pissed from our fight the night before. But after a while you still weren’t speaking to me, so I figured I’d give him a shot, because why not. You seemed done with me. I didn’t know what else to do…”
Saying Jared’s name lobs a rock into my stomach.
“Fuck that guy. He’s a piece of shit. He only gave you attention because he obviously only wanted one thing from you. I hope he gets karma for all the shit he’s done to women and especially for what he tried to do to you.”
“Yeah, fuck him right in the asshole.”
He chortles. There’s a pause present allowing a free moment for the anxiousness to resurface. I need to tell him or else I won’t be able to relax the rest of the night.
