“This isn’t fair to you.” I shake my head, feeling ashamed that I’m asking so much of him, knowing I’ll never be able to give him more than this.
I’m pretty sure my heart cracks in that moment. Breaking at the thought of never having what I truly want.
A life with Asher Scott.
CHAPTER 22
ASHER
Ihaven’t felt this flat since my first few days in prison. I’d never really considered how Lily and me being together could truly destroy her family. And by family, she means her relationship with her sons. They are all she has, and I’ve selfishly been thinking only about myself. Yet I can’t make myself walk away.
I know she’s telling me, without actually saying the words outright, that our relationship will only ever be behind closed doors, away from the rest of the world.
It’s disappointing in a way. I mean, we haven’t been tearing each other’s clothes off for long, so to know she feels so strongly about me is huge. I’d dreamed of her wanting me as desperately as I want her, and now she does.
But shit. I realise I want more with her. I want to take her out for dinners. To walk up the street holding her hand and steal kisses from her while we wait at the register at the grocery store. I want to tell the twins about us. Have them be happy that I’ve finally found the love of my life, and know I will always look after their mum.
But that will never happen. The twins will never accept me as their mum’s partner. Never accept that I share a bed with her and do wicked things to her.
So any sane lad would walk away, right?
Fucking lucky I’m not sane.
If this is all Lily can give me, ever, then I’ll take it.
If I have to spend the rest of my life sneaking around, hiding what we truly have together, then I will. Because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Lily Bennett was put on this Earth to be mine.
Even though I know this, I still can’t seem to pick up my mood.
When we all join Lily in the kitchen to throw a chicken salad together, I stay on the opposite side of the bench to her, worried I won’t have the self-control to not sneak a brush of fingers or an arse grope while the twins aren’t looking.
Lily was serious when she demanded I stop trying to fool around with her near the twins. She had her stern mum face on and used her mum tone, which only made my cock harder. But I listened, and now I need to obey. She needs to see that I can be serious. That I’m more than the life-inexperienced twenty-year-old trying to get into her pants.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you tonight?” Jude nudges my shoulder as he flops down on the couch next to me.
“Nothing, man. Just tired,” I lie, which clearly doesn’t work since I feel Jude’s assessing gaze.
“My lie-dar is going,” Ronan interjects, sitting back with the controller in his hand as he sets up his game.
“Ronnie is right. You’re lying.” Jude nudges my shoulder, and I sigh. These fuckers have always been able to read my moods.
“I’ve been thinking about my mum a bit today, I guess.” It’s not a lie. I have, even though it’s not the source of my shitty state.
“Yeah. Holidays will do that.” Ronnie turns from the screen to look at me. “Even though my old man is a daft prick, I can’t help but think about the days we were oblivious to that.”
“Yeah, until you realise that Mum had been suffering all that time,” Jude snaps, and Ronan doesn’t argue. He just nods in agreement.
“Have you thought about going to see your mum?” Ronnie asks, and I shrug.
“It’s a bit hard with the restraining order against me. I’d have to know when she leaves the house alone. Even then, it’s risky.”
“Agreed. I don’t want you to be sent back to the slammer.” Ronnie nods and I smirk, one side of my mouth tugging north.
“Would you miss me, Ronnie baby?”
His lips spread wide, and he nods. “I guess I kinda like having you around.”
“Dude, you hardly see him,” Jude scoffs, and Ronnie shrugs.
