“The chocolates are for Mimi, of course. I also bought a bottle of wine for her dad, but I dropped my bag on the way over, so now it stinks like a wine barrel.”
I try not to grimace, thinking of the price of the bag.
“They think Mimi will get the all clear to go back home next week.”
“Oh,” I repeat, then add, “I’m sure they’ll all be very happy to see the back of London.”
“Well, two of them will. One is a little sad that she’s having to leave prematurely.”
“It’s for the best,” I say gruffly. “Want a coffee?” Before she answers, I’m already making my way over to the machine.
“Go on then,” she says, “you’ve twisted my arm.”
I make a couple of flat whites, thankful for the shopping service or else I’d be making coffee with cottage cheese, and hand one to Mum, mainly to stop her going around with a feather duster she’s pulled from the cleaning closet.
“Mum, sit down. I pay someone to do this.”
“I’m just making sure you’re getting your money’s worth,” she mutters, bending down to swipe something up from under a sideboard. “See. Looks like they missed this,” she says, handing me a notebook I’ve never seen before. “They can’t be that good. They’re clearly not vacuuming properly.”
Black and unassuming, I twist the notebook around. It doesn’t exactly screamowned by Mimi,but somehow, I know it’s hers.I shouldn’t read it, I think as I flip through the pages. And then I do as Mum rounds the island to wash her hands wittering on about me making Lavender come and dust once a week in exchange for all the bills I pay. Frankly, I’d rather become a hoarder and live in squalor than have to listen to her complaining every week.
The notebook is blank but for one page when a feminine hand has penned a list
1. Stop caring so much what other people think. You only have one life to live and what you do with it is no business of anyone else.
Well, she should put a line through that one because she fucking achieved it.
2. See some of the world. Pick a project. Do something just foryou.
Check again. She saw London and Paris. Her project was me. And what she did? That would also be me. She did me and she did me over.
3.Be fearless. Because what is fear but a monster of your own making? What’s scarier than fear? Only the inevitable.
I sit with that one for a minute, not sure what to make of it. She was obviously cared of Brugada, but not enough to take care of herself. Maybe she’s one of those people who can just bury their head in the sand. What was the inevitable? Surgery? Death?
4. Don’t live in the cages other people build for you. Fly. Run, and not just because you’re feel like you’re being chased for a change. Frolic. Have fun. Fuck—yes, fuck. The thing you were taught not to want, the expression of life itself. Do it. Enjoy it.
Number four makes my heart ache, even though she managed to use thefword.
5.Tell everyone you love how much you love them. Not only that but love them gently in actions and deeds. Love them hard, if they can take it. Love them however you want, but just make sure they know how much you love them.
Scrawled in the margins is a note that reads:Love Whit but don’t tell him. Maybe I’ve always loved him, and have just managed not to admit it. Don’t spoil it, Mimi. He deserves someone better.
Number five leaves a ball of emotion in my throat. Someone better or someone who won’t lie to me?
6.Give up guilt. Live the best way you know how. The rest? Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive others. None of us are perfect.
True. So true.
7.Stop being hard on yourself. Life can be hard enough without all that mind chatter.
I skim seven in favor of eight.
8.Breathe while you can. A good life and a good death are the best a person can hope for.
Something wanders over my grave and, for a second, I’m back in my bedroom, crying and kneeling on the floor next to her.
“What’s that you’re reading?”
