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“I don’t understand, Jason, I was with friends.” I ran my hands through my hair, confused by his words.
“You flirt, Gemma, you don’t know how alluring you are, and men can’t resist you. I watched you with those two men, oblivious to their intentions. They were all over you.” Jason took me by my arms and shook me slightly as if to knock some sense into me.
I spoke quietly, “I was fine, Jason. It was just dancing.”
His voice was suddenly tender. “I can’t look after you when you’re not with me, I don’t want anything to happen to you again.”
“Again?” I repeated.
He was thinking of my assault. He thought I was going to be attacked again. Even with all the horror of that dreadful evening, I remained determined to put it behind me and not define myself as a pathetic victim.
“Jason,” I reached up and put my hands on his shoulders. “I’m OK. I can look after myself.”
“N
o you can’t! That’s what I do for you. It is my responsibility,” he broke away from me. “I was so angry with you. Part of me jealous, who wouldn’t be, you look so sexy when you dance. All I wanted to do is throw you into the back of the car and fuck you senseless,” he stopped.
He looked uncomfortable, almost embarrassed by his own words. His uneasiness pleased me because I was finding my own anger and the annoyance was bubbling up and over my usual cautious brim.
“You said you want to protect me and then you tell me you going to fuck me, like... like I’m a whore! I don’t get it, Jason, that’s not protecting me,” I sat down on the couch, as my legs were too weak to take the onslaught of inflamed emotions.
Jason came and sat by my side taking my hand in his.
“But, Gemma, I didn’t. That’s what I would have done, if you’d been anyone else, but you’re not. You’re damaged and I have a duty to help heal you. I have to behave differently with you, give you more freedom to try to build your self-esteem back. I want you to be able to enjoy being a submissive again without fear.” He took my chin and made me look at him. “I really care about you, you know that.”
I was tearful at his words. They were the most forthcoming he had ever been about his feelings.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Gem. But I have desires too. I’m working hard to repress them. I didn’t fuck you in the car, or go to your apartment to screw you because I knew it would be wrong for you. I want you to submit to me willingly and not with fear or concern. This is about trust, your trust in me.”
“I do trust you, Jason,” I sobbed clutching his hand tightly. “I thought you didn’t want me anymore. That I’d make a big mistake in my life, coming here and being with you. You can be so cold to me. I don’t know what you’re thinking, it scares me.”
Jason wiped my tears away with his fingers. “It’s hard for me. I’ve never had to explain my thoughts or feelings to anyone. No-one questions my decisions, they don’t dare. Then you came along and I’m having to adjust. We both need time. We’ll get there, won’t we?” he looked at me head on one side. “Oh, baby, I don’t want you to be scared of me.” He took me in his arms and for a while we sat there in silence, the hiss and crackle of the fire the only sounds.
“Come,” Jason broke the silence. “Go finishing cooking. Let’s eat.”
The emotional crisis over, for the moment. Jason did not take me into his lair for an evening’s scene. He told me he did not feel right after the emotional conversation we had earlier. Whatever my wishes his took precedence and the denial of his dominant play seemed only to re-enforce how little I knew about Jason. Was he abstaining because he did not think I could tolerate being treated as his erotic plaything or was it because he was not absolutely in control of his own faculties? The latter was essential to both my physical and emotionally wellbeing. He must have sensed my inner strife as he finished off his plate of food. He leaned back in his chair and watched me tidy up. Nothing was said and yet he still noticed my tension.
“I think what you need is a little TLC, don’t you,” he said rising to join me as I wiped down the pristine white surfaces.
“Maybe,” I said undecided.
“Nothing rough, just as simple stress relieving fuck, yes?” he said nudging his hardness against my hip. “Because no matter what harsh words are said between us, we both know it is sex which draws us together.”
“Is that all we are to each other, Jason? A much needed fuck?” I asked and he did not reply with words but merely planted a kiss on my lips and took my hand in his.
We went to bed and he made love to me. Passionate mutually agreeable sex and he was very sweet to me - letting me come, without restrictions or teasing, in my own time. With each delicate thrust of his hips, I gave up my worries and I thought in the end I did drift off for him. One of those unintended capitulations borne out of letting go and seeking oblivion rather than actively giving up my body to him. At long last, the stresses of the day were washed away in waves of orgasms. Well, nearly all the stresses.
Jason had me followed. The knowledge of that haunted me as I descended into sleep.
***
When I woke in the morning, the thought remained planted in my mind. An obstruction that would not budge. I stabbed at my bacon over breakfast. Jason was flicking through the financial pages of the newspaper, he glanced across at me eyebrows raised.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I practically snapped back at him. He put the paper down.
“Obviously not though. Out with it!” An order and the directive made me remember Jason was my dominant and communication was the basis of our relationship.
