“Oh, I think I understand more than you realize when it comes to a Kendrick woman’s power.”
I huff. “They’re like fucking witches, right? They possess you.”
My Pops laughs. “That’s definitely one way to put it.” He sits down at the poker table next to me.
“How can you be so calm?” I ask, lost. “Just out there socializing? Aren’t you pissed off? Don’t you want to rip someone’s head off?” I clench my jaw, my hands shaking.
“Yeah, I fucking do, and much worse. And I will. But expending all that energy now isn’t going to get us to Kira any faster. When the time comes, I’m going to use all that bottled-up rage to raise hell. Summon the Devil himself.” He sits back and crosses his arms, and for the first time since we walked into the Den, I see the wrath in his eyes. It brings a sense of relief. I want the killer to come out. I want the man I heard stories about by my side. The one who would shoot first and ask questions later. The one who was ruthless. The one my crazy-ass grandfather named his predecessor.
My father has definitely undergone a metamorphosis in his life. He said having me changed a lot of his perspective. It made him want to be a better role model. A man I could be proud of. I know he has demons, way more than any one man should have. But he succeeded in turning his life, and this club, around. The Baum Squad Mafia may not be perfect. It may still have some shady corners, but for the most part, the men who are a part of it can ride with their heads held high. Can be proud to wear the patch and still be a functioning member of society. That’s all he ever wanted.
“Dad, I’m sorry,” I apologize earnestly.
The surprise from my declaration is blatant on his face. Yeah, I wasn’t expecting it either, but it feels like the right time to say it. “I’m sorry I turned my back on you. I’m sorry I shut you out.” I rest my weary head in my hands. I have blamed him this whole time. Accused him of walking out on me when, in reality, I walked away from him. I was so angry. Angry that he wanted something different. That a woman was influencing his decision. I manifested a person I could hate so my resentment could grow. It was wrong. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know a person could feel like this. That love could take such a strong hold. Being apart from Kira is literally suffocating me. It’s difficult to breathe. Difficult to think. Difficult to function. I’m shriveling inside like a rotting piece of fruit.
And now I know how my father feels about Kristen. How he could walk away from the life he knew and still be perfectly content. Looking at him now, I see how good she is for him. Equally as good as Kira is for me. She’s opened my eyes and my heart to so much and paved a way back to my father. Kira has given me everything, and all I have given her is grief and heartache and failure.
I failed her.
“It’s okay, son.” He rubs my shoulder.
“Kira made me promise to fix things with you.”
“Looks like you’re taking her advice. She’s a smart one.”
“Yeah, she is. Too smart for me. Too good for me. Did you really leave an empty seat for me during the holidays?” I recall her telling me that, and how much it affected me.
He nods. “Every one. Birthdays, too. I just wanted you there. With us somehow.”
“I really fucked up, huh? Lost all that time with you.” Regret moves in like an uninvited house guest.
“We’ve all made our mistakes. But what’ve I always told you about them?”
“Learn from them.” He drilled it into my head.
“It’s all any of us can do.”
“I’m learning, fast.”
“I know you are.” He places his hand on my neck and presses his forehead to mine. “You’re my boy. You’ll find your way.”
“I want to find Kira.” I close my eyes and wish hard.
“We will.” He taps my cheek reassuringly.
“What did you tell Kristen? Does she know?”
“I just told her you needed me, and I had to come back. She understood. I didn’t want to alarm her if I didn’t have to.”
“You’re gonna have to tell her something, eventually.”
“I’ll deal with that when the time comes.” He rubs his hands together, clearly concerned about that conversation.
“They’ve been through a lot, huh?”
“Too much. I’m not sure how much Kira told you, but I don’t think even she knows how bad it was. How deep it went. How deprived her father really was.” A dark flash of malice blackens my father’s eyes. “If I were to ever come out of retirement, he’d be the first person I park a bullet in.”
“She didn’t tell me everything, but what she did tell me was pretty bad. She tried to commit suicide?”
