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Rattled, not thinking straight, I sent Jason an impulsive text.
: Why did you never tell me you went running with Eliza?
No reply.
Given my mood, the day went better than I anticipated. Probably because I had nowhere else to go but upwards. Joshua settled better than the previous day. We visited the zoo, and I let Amando push the buggy. In the afternoon, following Joshua’s brief nap in the pushchair under the parasol, I took him to the Children’s Museum of Manhattan, where we had a fun time with interactive exhibits that suited his age.
As I bathed Joshua and gave him his bedtime bottle, he held it himself and dazzled me with his blue eyes, and it was as if Jason was looking back at me. A wave of contriteness hit me, and tears welled in my eyes.
Shit, what is wrong with me? Jealous, disrespectful, and foul tempered. I was supposed to be having a mini holiday with my son and keeping Jason happy.
I cooked dinner and waited for him to come back to the apartment. I heard the elevator ping, dashed out to the foyer, and knelt.
“Master.” I stared at his shoes.
“Gemma.” He rocked on his soles.
“Dinner is nearly ready, Sir, and Joshua has been a good boy today. He missed his daddy.” I hesitated before saying the next few words. “So did I.”
Tears trickled down my face, and Jason took a deep breath.
“I’m sure.” He walked past me.
After Jason had showered and changed, we ate in silence again. Beneath my poised exterior, I burst with the need to have him take me, do whatever he wanted with me.
Just do something, Jason!
He pushed his plate to one side. “You hate being neglected, don’t you?” He leaned back in his chair. “I’m used to being here alone. My little jogs with Eliza are as close to socialising as I get when I stay here. Contrary to what you make think, I don’t hang out with local Doms. I don’t do clubs or restaurants. I run, work, and eat. Oh, and I miss you, too.”
I looked at my half-eaten food, my shoulders sagging and appetite shot to pieces. I’d fucked up. Why had I sent the stupid text?
Charging out of the room, I headed to the bathroom sink and splashed water onto my hot face. Taking a deep breath, I went back to him. He remained at the dining room table fingering his untouched wine glass.
I knelt by his chair.
“Please, Master, resolve this. Please,” I implored. “I had a lovely day with Josh. We went to the zoo and a wonderful children’s museum. He missed you. I missed you. Being away from home, I’m rubbish at adapting. You can do it. I can’t.”
“What do you want me to do, Gemma? Beat the shit out of you? Fuck you to oblivion? Would either resolve this? You have been rude, discourteous to my colleague, and self-absorbed. I don’t need to spank you or have sex. I don’t need them when I’m here. I work and, if I’m lucky, I might watch a film or read for pleasure. That’s rare. I can’t believe you are jealous of Eliza. She’s not even my type, and it is insulting you think I would be interested in anyone but you.” He glanced down at me.
I shattered at the disappointment on his face. The physical pain in my belly and the anguish at his words tore me apart. “Then let me go home. Why am I here if you don’t want me or need me? I can’t do this, Jason. I’ve lost my submission.”
“I do need you. What I need is to come home to my wife at the end of the day, have her smile, and remind me why I work so hard. I haven’t the time or energy to feed your submission. I withdraw, as I am entitled to do. Consent works both ways. You’re going to do this yourself. I can’t maintain consistency on my own. Prove to me you can be submissive without my attention on you the whole time.” He scraped the chair back and left me for his study.
I remained on the floor, stunned. I couldn’t recall a time when Jason had shuttered his dominance, leaving me unguided. They hurt, both his words and withdrawal. It wasn’t a punishment. This wasn’t how Jason punished, but his consent mattered as much as mine. Withdrawing it left me speechless and confused.
I stood up, took a deep breath. The ball had rebounded back into my court. I had to find a way back to him and re-engage my Dominant, feed him my submission without him digging it out from where I’d buried it.
That night, I slept next to him, listened to his soft breathing and occasional murmur. Beneath his calm façade, lurked his own stresses and, much as I wanted to reach out and touch him, I held back. My neediness wouldn’t solve the problem. I had to start with the basics. This wasn’t about sex or kink. First, I had to reestablish service.
Chapter 11. Nightmare
The next day I rose early, laid out breakfast, and made fresh coffee. When Joshua woke, I brought him to greet Jason as he emerged from the bathroom. Jason spent some time playing with his son on the floor of the great room. They built towers out of building blocks. More accurately, Jason built and Joshua knocked them down.
“He’s a demolition man.” I smiled, wiping down the kitchen worktop.
“Probably, he likes the noise,” said Jason.
Joshua kicked the day off on a brighter note for me.
