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“Why not?”
“Bloody drunk all the time, that’s why. An alcoholic bastard who cared about nothing and nobody except his next drink!” He spilt a little coffee on his shirt and brushed it off with his hand.
“You’re not him, though, Ben. I know it’s a cliché, like father like son, but it’s not true.” I wanted to reach out and touch his rough hands with their bro
ken nails, scratched and covered in glue. Very different from Jason’s elegant, manicured ones.
“I know I’m not him. But he’s not exactly the best role model is he? I’ve got no idea how to be a father.” He stared at the wood shavings scattered about his feet.
I’d made a breakthrough, and I had to dig him out of his bleak pit before he was stuck down there. “Role models are over rated in my opinion. Look at Jason and me. Do we want Joshua growing up believing all men are controlling Dominants or that women should be tied to the beds for a good seeing to? Definitely not. He will see equals, whatever happens in the bedroom.”
Ben’s face opened up a little.
I rested my hand on his arm. “I’m not saying you need to be a different person to be a parent. You shouldn’t make negative assumptions your personal experiences will be repeated. Imagine him or her, in here, watching you work, asking you what you’re doing, looking in awe at your skills, your passion. It’s a wonderful vision, don’t you think? I have Joshua in my atelier, in a separate play area, and he paints with me. What more could I ask for?”
The sparkle in his eyes grew brighter, and he looked about his workshop, nodding his head. He hadn’t imagined what children would do in his life. Perhaps he had seen a baby with nappies and sleepless nights, but beyond was a different life he should be envisaging.
He swallowed a mouthful of coffee, digesting my words, and his face crumpled, and he let out a long groan. “I’ve been terribly selfish, haven’t I? Shit. What an arse. I criticise my father for pushing me out of his life, and I’ve ignored Lou all bloody week. Can you do me a favour? Can you tell her I want to talk to her? That I’m sorry.”
I headed to the door. “I think you should apologise yourself.”
He nodded, straightened, and dusted down his shirt. “Thanks, Gemma.”
“Well?” asked Jason, after a joyful Louise bounded out the door to speak to Ben. He stood up and stretched, before sitting down on a chair. Instinctively, we swapped places, and I ended up on the floor, playing with Joshua.
“Basically, his dad was a drunk. Daddy was bad, so I’m going to be terrible, too.”
“Had to be a reason for his reticence.”
Joshua clambered into my lap and head butted my breasts. “The abortion stuff was an overreaction. Nothing more.”
“You’ve obviously said something to snap him out of it.”
Bouncing my son up and down on my leg, I explained my tactic of describing Joshua and I together in the atelier. “Worked for me, worked for him. He’s very contrite. So I think bridges are being mended rapidly.”
“Good. Because I need to work this afternoon.” Jason wouldn’t want a lengthy lunch.
“How is Louise?” I asked in return.
“Determined to work things out with Ben. I’m sure they would have gotten there in the end on their own.”
I poked his leg. “She needed you, though. Big brother to the rescue.”
Jason sighed and his head rested on the back of the armchair. “Seems to be a common theme at the moment.”
“She said you two used to talk regularly and then, after Michael’s exposé of your Dominant lifestyle, you stopped.”
“I did not. She stopped ringing and emailing,” he rebuffed.
I didn’t want to be drawn into the blame game. “Well, it doesn’t matter what actually happened. She’d made assumptions about what you are and they were wrong. Your family is trying to rebuild their relationships with you. Whether Louise and Ben would have fixed this mess on their own or not is irrelevant. She wants your support and words of encouragement.”
“And she will always have them, Gem. I’m here, aren’t I? You’ve done well with your chat with Ben. You shouldn’t underestimate your own abilities when it comes to helping people out in a crisis.”
I should have glowed at his words, but I didn’t. “Other people’s. My screw-ups, that’s a different story isn’t it?” Joshua shot off across the room, heading for the DVD player, and I scrambled to retrieve him. Holding him in my arms I turned, and caught Jason’s expression. I could see the narrowing of his eyes, the sharp rebuke hidden behind his look.
Ben and Louise returned, hand in hand. Joshua sprang up and, with perfect timing, walked up to Ben and smacked his leg, “Ben!” he pronounced with a self-satisfied expression before returning to his toys.
Ben cleared his throat. “Louise and I are delighted to announce, together, we’re having a baby.” This time he greeted me with a big hug and a smack of his lips on my cheek.
