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“Was this something you’ve been thinking about?” Claire asked.
“We’d been trying for a couple of months,” Jill answered, sitting back down. “I’m not sure it was any conscious decision, other than the timing seemed right.” She looked at Claire. “The first time I met you, when Lindsay asked me into your group and you talked about your kids… it
just sort of set off a spark in me. I remember thinking, ‘She runs the M.E.’s office. She’s one of the most capable women I know, at the top of her profession, yet this is what she talks about.’ ”
“When you start out working,” Claire explained, “you have all this drive and focus. As a woman, you feel you have to prove everything. But when you have kids, it’s different, natural. You realize it’s no longer about you at all. You realize… you no longer have to prove anything. You already have.”
“So, hey…,” Jill said with glistening eyes, “I want a little of that, too.
“I never told this to you guys,” she went on, “but I was pregnant once before. Five years ago.” She took a sip of water and shook the dark hair off the back of her neck. “My career was in overdrive—you remember, there was that La Frade hearing—and Steve had just started running his own fund.”
“It just wasn’t the right time for you then, honey,” Claire said.
“That wasn’t it,” Jill answered quickly. “I wanted it. It was just that everything was so intense. I was pulling stints at the office until ten. It seemed like Steve was always away….” She paused, a remote cloudiness in her eyes. “I had some bleeding. The doctor warned me to cut back. I tried, but everyone was pushing on this case, and I was always alone. One day, I just felt my insides explode. I lost it… in the fourth month.”
“Oh, Jesus.” Claire gasped. “Oh, Jill.”
Jill sucked in a breath, and a hushed silence fell over the table.
“So how are you feeling?” I asked.
“Ecstatic…,” she replied. “Physically, strong as ever…” Then she blinked remotely for a moment and faced us again. “Truth is, I’m a total wreck.”
I reached for her hand. “What does your doctor say?”
“He says we’ll keep a close watch and keep the sensationalist cases down to a minimum. Run it in low gear.”
“Do you have that gear?” I asked.
“I do now.” She sniffed.
“Wow.” Cindy chuckled. “Jill’s suddenly got drag,” referring to the dot-com term for anything that could keep you from your job 24 / 7.
In Jill’s eyes, I saw a glorious transformation taking place, something I had never seen before. Jill was always successful. She had that beautiful face, that hard-charging drive. Now I could see at last that she was happy.
Beautiful tears welled up in her eyes. I had seen this woman stand up in court against some of the toughest bastards in the city; I had seen her go after murderers with an undeterred conviction. I had even seen the scars of self-doubt on the insides of her arms.
But until that moment, I had never seen Jill cry.
“Dammit…” I smiled. I reached for the check. “I guess I pay.”
Chapter 17
AFTER A FEW MORE giddy hugs with Jill, I made my way home to my apartment on Potrero Hill.
It was the second floor of a renovated blue Victorian. Cozy and bright, with an alcove of wide windows overlooking the bay. Martha, my affectionate Border collie, met me at the door.
“Hey, sweetie,” I said. She wagged up to greet me and threw her paws against my leg.
“So, how was your day?” I nuzzled close, smooching her happy face.
I went into the bedroom and peeled off my work clothes, pulled up my hair, putting on the oversize Giants sweatshirt and flannel pajama pants I lived in when the weather turned cool. I fed Martha, made myself a cup of Orange Zinger, and sat in the cushioned alcove.
I took a sip of tea, Martha perched in my lap. Out in the distance, a grid of blinking airplane lights descending into SFI came into view. I found myself thinking about the unbelievable image of Jill as a mom… Her thin, fit figure with a bulging belly… a shower with just us girls. It made me chuckle. I smiled at Martha. “Jilly-bean’s gonna be a mommy.”
I had never seen Jill look so complete. It was only a few months ago when my own thoughts had run to how much I would have loved to have a baby. As Jill said, I wanted some of that, too. It just wasn’t meant to be….
Parenting just didn’t seem like the natural occupation in my family.
