He’s taken his jacket and shirt off, leaving him dripping with his pants and squeaky shoes. Despite the darkness, I know his eyes are on me. Expectant.
“Would you like to go to the bathroom?” I ask him, my throat dry.
He runs his fingers over his hair, his body like a Greek statue. Carved. Hard. Rippling. Powerful. I really,reallywant to jump his bones.
Be for fucking real, Xiaoyu. I’m busy scolding myself as I watch my phone battery die. The last option is to light the gaslamp and candle I have. I’ve never had to use them before, just kept them for the aesthetics, but best to put them to use now.
I pat around for the torch lighter and feel someone against my back.
“Mako?” My heart’s in my throat, pounding. It’s becoming hard to breathe.
We’re both wet and cold, maybe that’s why we’re trembling. Slowly, he undoes my coat, zipping it down lazily. I hate how he’s so unhurried, but my skin thrums a frantic rhythm. It wants him to touch me more.
Sweeping my hair to the side, his breath on my neck. Have you ever felt someone literally breathe down your neck? It shouldn’t feel so exciting. Exhilarating. Forbidden.
He tosses my coat to the side and slides his hands down my shirt, under my bra, pulling me until I am completely pressed up against him. He’s almost gasping for air right now.
“I have missed you, my sweet dreamer.”All that time, his lips are kissing my shoulder. I don’t feel him speak. He’s in my head.
My chest feels like it’s caving in. “Who are you, really?”
“I am nothing, but I want to be yours. Belonging to you is all that matters to me.”
My skin glitters in the dark, recognizing him. “Am I yours? Is this why my body knows you?”
“You’ve been mine from the start, sweet girl.”
I light the gaslamp, and I see shadows. More than one. Or…maybe they are one, my mind just can’t make sense of it. I feel like I’m going insane all over again.
“You are not crazy.”His lips slide over my neck, and I can feel his hot mouth, his teeth. Eager. Hungry.“I am real, and I want to be yours.”
“Your name. What’s your name?”
“Datu. Your friend in the dark.”
I have never been so relieved and upset at the same time. Somehow, deep down, I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me for going through what I did. But tragedy doesn’t choose, trauma doesn’t ask questions. Being a victim to child sexual abuse is never your fault it happened. Growing up, feeling different, you either fold to the pressure or come out stronger. Rot in anger and humiliation or build a garden from it.
On this precipice of building my garden, I’ve always felt something was amiss. It’shim. He’s the missing piece. The memories returning to me are an unforgiving stampede. Hooves are trampling over me, but god, am I grateful to finally be awake.
His fingers look different when he sweeps a tear off my cheek.
“Happy or sad tears?”
His hold on me loosens, drifting in front of me. He isn’t completely solid anymore, but he’s as real as I am. His eyes are a sad blue right now.
“I don’t know. Given that I was under the influence most of the time back there, I’m not sure if my feelings are true.”
“Let me prove to you they are real.”
“How?” It comes out crass, mocking that I immediately regret it. I want to take it back, but he seems challenged. Ardent, almost.
“What is the human way to be yours?”His form slowly descends to the floor until he’s eye-level where I’m pounding.
It looks like he may be on his knees right now, peering up at me with a burning hunger.
“I can smell your desire from here.”His voice is so low, velvety. Like honey dripping. I can feel everything vibrate with him.“This moment is so surreal to me. It’s not just you. I feel it, too. The feeling that you were made for me, and I for you. If you’ll have me.”
I hear he is asking, but I know the demand. He’s always told me he will listen to my body more than my words. My mouth lies, my body doesn’t. But he knows my words matter.
