Royal nods. “She wanted to talk to you.”
Bile rises in my throat, and I stumble back against the door, shaking my head. “She’s not taking her. I won’t let her.”
“Just hear her out.”
A car door opens, followed by soft footsteps.
“Crystal?” The tears fall hot and freely down my cheeks as my mother’s voice penetrates my skin. Like sparks burning on the surface, not a burst of pain, but tiny, relentless breaks all over. “I’m not here to cause any pain.”
“Then why are you here?” I cross my arms over my chest, not bothering to look at her. I can’t.
“I wanted to see for myself that you were okay.”
I scoff, and the laugh tastes like poison on my tongue. “Okay? You had the first sixteen years of my life to do that, and you never even tried.”
“I know.” Her broken gasp forces me to bring my eyes up. She looks different from when I saw her last. I fled so quickly, I didn’t get a good look, but she somehow looks better. Her once dark hair is now dull and streaked in ashy grey, but she doesn’t look as frail as I remember her.
All you ever hope for when someone has hurt you is for them to realise what they’ve done. To acknowledge their actions and the part they played. It’s something we sometimes settle with, knowing it won’t happen, and it’s up to us to be the person who rises above it. To be better than what their apology could fix.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about the choices in my life. And none bring me more shame and regret than what I did to you.”
I try not to let her words break me, but I can feel every defiant little crack as my body shakes.
“Sometimes, I wish I’d just taken a little more. Been a little more unlucky and stupid, and rid my sorry self from this world before you even came along, so I didn’t have the chance to hurt you.” She takes a tentative step forward, and I back myself against the door. “Nothing your father and I put you through was ever your fault. We were selfish, sick people. I didn’t want to find you to ask for your forgiveness or try to earn a place in your life again. I know I don’t deserve that, and I’ve taken enough.”
It hurts to breathe. My arms hug my stomach in an effort to keep myself together. “So why? Why couldn’t you just let us be?”
“I remember the fear on your face… that day when I found you outside the grocery store.” She shakes her head, wiping away a tear. “I’d been sober for maybe a month at that point. Your dad was already away, and I was trying. Davey said he saw you–both of you–and let me know. I don’t know what I thought would change by seeing you myself, but the look on your face broke me. I started using again. I thought if the drugs didn’t kill me, surely the regret would. I went in and out of rehab for years, failing over and over again to stay clean because I didn’t feel like I deserved a new life after what I did to you and your sister. The last rehab centre I was at, a guy told me the reason I keep going back is that I’m running away from something I knewIcould never change. And it was that look on your face. Over the years as I got healthier, I needed to know that I didn’t ruin more lives than just my own.”
She takes another step forward, hands held up in surrender. “Thank you.”
“What?”
“Thank you. For being stronger than I ever was. For being brave enough to fight for more. For raising not only your sister,but yourself, because there is no way I ever could have given you girls the life you have now. I don’t want you to be scared anymore. To run. I want you to be free.”
I struggle to catch my breath as my mind makes sense of everything. My hand flies to my chest, and I drop to my knees, barely noticing the sting as I hit the pavement. All I’m aware of is the slight scent of sage as it engulfs me.
Warm palms frame my face, gentle fingertips brushing at my skin.
“Mae?” West’s garbled voice echoes through my ears. “I’m here, baby. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
I blink, clearing the tears as West’s concerned face comes into focus, with Royal standing just behind him, and my mother stepping back as she wipes away the tears that stain her cheeks.
“What’s going on?” West’s voice is strained and menacing as he directs the words behind him.
“Just wrapping up some unfinished business,” Royal says, stern and unaffected.
“No, we still have some business if you’re making my girlfriend cry.”
“No, I’m done,” my mother says. “It’s all done.”
I look up at her, and it feels like a thousand words are exchanged, though no one says a word. I nod at her, so many confusing emotions consuming me as I realise this will be the last time I see my mother.
“Goodbye, Crystal. Have a beautiful life.” She turns without another word and walks back to Royal’s car.
The door closes gently and Royal blows out a breath. It feels like my pulse is slimming against my skull. “Sorry, that was a bit of a shitstorm. But I did try to contact you.”
I swallow down a breath that feels like gravel in my throat.
