“Maybelline…?”
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” she muttered, rubbing her forehead as she listened.
“I’m out here on Wishing Well Road and I’ve got me agen-u-winedamsel in distress…” The way he drawled ‘genuine’ reminded her of something from theDukes of Hazzardreruns she’d watched as a child. Her aunt used to have a crush on Bo and Luke Duke… except this wasn’t a television show and none of this was funny. “I’ll need a wrecker too - at Wishing Well Road and Baird Farm cut off – a silver ‘Far-From-Tootin’ with two flat tires…”
“It’s a Volkswagen,” she snapped, flinging out a hand. “A VW Jetta wagon – TDI edition.”
“Ooooh,” he mocked, grinning at her. “It’s a ‘turbo-diesel-injection-fancy-schmancy edition’…”
“That’s not what that stands for…” she ground out between clenched teeth. Officer Nitwit never even acknowledged her as he continued, baiting her verbally to whoever was on the other side of the radio…
“I’m gonna be a hot-minute while I handle Princess Poo and her dirty little shoe, who's ankle-deep in the middle of an existential crisis pretending to be Cinderella…”
“Can I get another officer? You know what – I’ll just wait for the tow truck.”
The officer muttered something else under his breath, laughed, and then put the microphone back intohis car via the window instead of opening the door. That was it, she was in the middle of Redneck Hell, and this was a test – obviously a test from Above that she was failing miserably. Looking up at the clouds, she whispered ‘Seriously?’before looking at the officer once more.
“Do you believe in good luck?” he asked her – and her mouth dropped open in shock at the audacity of the man before her.
“Are you seriously coming onto me?” she snorted in disbelief.
“You’re on Wishing Well Road with a four-leaf clover nearly poop-glued to your shoe…”
“Oh my gosh, youarecoming onto me – aren't you?”
“I believe in destiny…” he drawled.
She rolled her eyes, flinging up both hands in defeat. There was no doubt in her mind anymore. This was most assuredly Redneck Hell - and this guy?
A minion.
“I need my purse. I think I’ve got mace in there…” she muttered, realizing he was between her and the driver’s side door where her purse lay near the center console. Maybe she could reach it from the passenger side, except her door latch usually had a problem. It was constantly hanging up on that side.
“Take off your shoe…” he ordered.
“I’mnottaking off my shoe – and don’t all freaks and weirdos want to see boobs first, not the feet?” she replied, glaring at him, as she struggled to pull her shoe from the disgustingcow-or-horse-bodily-creation that nearly superglued her shoe to the remnants of asphalt on the dilapidated road.
“I’m not here to see your feet – or your chest,” he chuckled, tipping his hat back slightly as he smiled at her. “I’m just being friendly, you know – the neighborly sort and…”
“Too friendly,” she shot back, cutting him off and stepping back from the man, before bumping into the hatch of her car – and nearly falling over. In that brief moment, she could see herself nosediving into the pile like something in a horrible spoof clip, swinging her arms wildly in a desperate attempt to keep from toppling over.
The officer did the unthinkable that left her speechless – and disgusted.
Officer Hillbilly literally swept one arm under the back of her legs and swung her up, deftly removing the shoe before she could say a word – and threw it into the grass on the other side of the road.
“Hang on to me,” he grunted, making a face.
“Why are you grunting? I’m not fat,” she shrieked angrily– first her shoe and now fat jokes?
He winced again, holding up his hand pointedly. She was so grossed out, and nearly flipped out of his arm, the one that had been holding her around the waist. Things were out of control, moving too quickly, and she scrambling to keep from falling onto the crumbling asphalt that had entirely too many potholes - and the horse poop.
“Would you stop wiggling around…” he began again, grunting.
“You’re assaulting me…” she spat.
“Lady, I’m trying tohelpyou…”
“Don’t you touch me with that…” she yelped, pointing at his filthy hand.
