It started with one raindrop, quickly followed by more.
We sat in the front seat and listened to the rhythm of the rain on the roof while we waited for roadside assistance to arrive, which would be an hour according to the miserable person who’d answered the call. I didn’t have roadside assistance, but Decker did, of course. Always the responsible one, even back in college.
The windows fogged slowly. I remember feeling as if we were the only two people in the world, cocooned from reality outside the intimate space.
It was dark outside, and I was painfully aware of how close we were, while pretending I wasn’t.
We talked. About schoolwork, classes, baseball, how he was going to enter the draft that year and finish his degree online. There was something different about talking in a fogged-up car in the rain at midnight. Maybe because we hadn’t been alone together in so long. But I felt the fabric of our friendship quietly braiding back together.
In total honesty, I felt something much more than that in that car. But I was so scared it was just my crush on him.
At some point, he turned to say something, and I turned at the same time, and we found ourselves closer than we should’ve been. His eyes dropped to my mouth for one second, two, and by the third, I’d stopped breathing entirely.
“Pen.” My name was a whisper on the warm air of the interior.
We both leaned in. At least I think we both did. I’ve replayed that night so many times that the memory has worn grooves in my mind, and I genuinely don’t know for sure anymore what’s the truth.
My heart floated out of my chest, and I knew that whatever was about to happen would ruin me, but at the same time, I didn’t care.
His phone buzzed in the center console, and he startled and pulled away.
Decker picked it up, looked at it, and my heart squeezed painfully as he answered it.
I was so stupid. He wasn’t mine, and I knew it.
“Hey.” He turned to face the window, his hand wiping away the fog. “We’re just waiting for the tow… Yeah, I know… It’s okay. Yeah, I’ll stop by after… Bye.”
I turned to my fogged window and didn’t say anything, drawing little flowers onto the glass with my finger. He put the phone down and the car went quiet.
“Sorry.”
“For what?” My voice came out normal. Looking back, I have no idea how I managed it.
He didn’t answer. Truck headlights poured in through the windows, and the moment was over.
Probably a good thing.
I blink, pulling myself from the memory, and yank his hoodie tighter around me. I try to think of some way I can keep it.
His hand touches a wet strand of my hair, and he tucks it behind my ear, his fingers lingering. I can’t turn away from his eyes, and he steps another inch closer.
“Pen…”
He says it the same way he did in that fogged-up car a lifetime ago.
My brain plays war with my thoughts. Push him away. Kiss him. Consequences. This is trouble. Who cares? Take what you want now. Worry about the rest later.
The rain hasn’t let up. If anything, it’s found a second gear.
He steps forward an inch, and my back pushes flush against the wall.
I don’t breathe.
Decker closes the distance, and I tip up my chin. His fingers are warm against my temple, and the rain is loud on the overhang. This is the fogged-up car all over again, only there’s no girlfriend holding him back this time?—
“Man, it’s really coming down out there.” A man steps under the overhang, and Decker circles away from me, resting his back against the brick wall next to me, chest heaving with his breath. “Excuse me.”
We part so he can get to the door of his building.
