He wanted to deny it, but this was Lys. “I think so.”
They lapsed into silence, but Jesse knew they were thinking the same thing. She was just waiting for him to say it. When he didn’t... couldn’t, she let go of him and stepped back.
“You can’t see him again. It won’t end well.”
He covered his face, the scent of Ian lingering on his fingers. “I know.”
“Better to stop it now, before you get anymore invested. You know how easy it is to get fixated.” She was only speaking the truth, but her words still pissed him off. Irrational or not.
Swallowing back his temper, Jesse ran a hand through his hair. “I know. Tonight will be the last time.”
She hesitated, then, “You could walk away now. End it via text—”
“No.” Ending things with Ian was bad enough—even if it was the only thing to do—but the thought of doing it without having one last taste, touch... No. He wasn’t that strong. “I’m going back in there, and I’m going home with him later. Then I’ll end it.”
“Jess—”
“Lys. I’m beyond grateful that you came here tonight, but please...pleaselet me do this my way.”
She stared at him, eyes narrowed as though gauging whether he could be trusted to handle himself. It got under his skin, but he let her have her moment of scrutiny. “Fine. But for fuck’s sake, be more careful, and whatever you do, don’t bite him. Peter and his cronies don’t need any more ammunition that the old ways are the best ways. Having you get in trouble with the VLCD would be a fucking disaster.”
“I’m not gonna bite him.” Even as he said it, that image returned, and it was all Jesse could do to ignore it. “Probably.”
“Jesse!”
“I’m kidding.” Mostly.
“Well don’t.” Her head tilted, eyes unfocused for a second. “Lover boy’s coming.” She was gone before Jesse had a chance to reply, the sudden breeze the only indicator she’d even been there.
“Jesse?” Ian shouted from the mouth of the alleyway. “That you?”
Bollocks.
Picking his way through the litter spilling out of the huge bins on either side, Jesse made his way towards him. “Yeah,” he shouted back.
He caught Ian’s confused look. “What were you doing all the way down there?” He sounded wary, and Jesse hurried to reassure him.
“For a minute there I thought I was gonna throw up.” He shrugged a shoulder and tried to look sheepish. “Didn’t really want an audience for it.”
“You all right now?” Ian was right in front of him, and Jesse felt the tension still clinging to him.
If he wanted Ian to take him home tonight, he had some damage control to do.
Or just let it play out and go home alone.
It was probably nothing more than the fact he knew he couldn’t have him, but Jesse needed this one last time desperately.
“Yeah, I’m good.” He smiled, going for apologetic. “Felt a bit light-headed, but some fresh air sorted that.”
Ian huffed out a laugh, then wrinkled his nose. “I’m not sure the air down here is what I’d call fresh.”
“It’s cooler than the pub though, and I think that helped.”
They stood facing each other. Jesse longed to reach out and take his hand, tug him back inside, but he kept his hands by his side.
“If you’d rather go home, it’s—”
“No,” Jesse cut in, derailing that conversation. “I’m good. Really.” This time he did grab Ian’s hand. “Come on, Cate’ll think you’ve ditched her to go home with me.”
