This called for hot chocolate.
When Finn came back in with the stand, I helped him set the tree in it while the kettle boiled. He was just cutting through the netting as I brought our drinks into the living room.
“Wow.” I stopped in the doorway. “It really is a beautiful tree.” I’d kind of lost the will to live by the time he’d decided on this one, but now it was unpacked and in its stand, I could appreciate how lovely it was.
The branches were evenly spread out, not too thin at the top or too thick at the bottom. He had it in the bay window, and I imagined coming back on an evening to fairy lights twinkling, welcoming me home.
I loved Christmas.
Guilt hit me unexpectedly as I thought about my mum’s tree. I’d not even been round to see it, which was shitty of me. She’d probably been looking forward to having me home for the holidays, and I’d just fucked off. I had my reasons, but I was beginning to think it was more me than her boyfriend.
“Hey.” Finn stood in front of me and took one of the hot chocolates. I hadn’t even noticed him come over. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I was just thinking about my mum.”
He waited for me to elaborate. I didn’t want to admit I’d behaved like a spoilt bastard, especially not to Finn, but I liked how honest we’d been with each other lately. Telling him anything other than the truth felt wrong. “I haven’t been round to see her tree. She’s had it a week, probably decorated her whole house, and I haven’t been round to see any of it.” I set my mug on the coffee table and sank onto the sofa with a sigh. “We used to decorate it together with a drink, got a bit pissed one year...
“I wasn’t here last year, but I still FaceTimed her to see it.” I rested my face on my hands, wondering what had got into me lately. “I don’t recognise myself sometimes. I don’t want her to be on her own, I want her to be happy, so why aren’t I over the moon that she’s got Clive? Why is it so fucking hard for me to be around them in that house?”
Finn bit his lip like he was holding back what he really wanted to say.
I huffed out a laugh. “I’m being a wanker, aren’t I? A jealous wanker who doesn’t like it now he’s not the centre of his mum’s attention anymore.”
“I wouldn’t use those words exactly.” He sat down next to me and nudged my knee with his. “But do you think there could be some truth to it?” I shrugged, not wanting to admit it. “I don’t know you and your mum well enough to be able to help you with this, Jasper. But I do think you need to go and talk to her. It’s obviously upsetting you. Both of you.”
I let out a groan. “At twenty-one you’d think I’d have outgrown feeling like this, right?”
To my surprise he laughed. “I don’t think those rules apply when it comes to family.”
Maybe, maybe not, but he was right about one thing. I needed to go see my mum and tell her how I was feeling, even if I was ashamed to admit it to her. Decision made, I rubbed a hand over my face and then reached for my drink. “I’ll go see her Tuesday after work.”
“Why not tomorrow? You could go for Sunday lunch.”
I gave him a rueful smile. “As nice as that sounds, Clive will be there, and I need to sort things out with my mum before I tackle that particular problem. Clive works late on Tuesday nights, so it’ll just be the two of us.”
“Fair enough.”
We drank our hot chocolate in silence, and I stared at the bare tree, wondering what Christmas was going to be like this year. Last year had been easy, hot, and a little weird since I’d spent it on the beach. This year though, my relationships with my parents weren’t the best, and a small part of me wished I was back on that beach.
Angus chose that moment to jump up onto the sofa and proceed to lie half on my lap, half on Finn’s. I snorted but didn’t make any attempt to move him, instead, stroking down his back until I heard that familiar loud purr.
I caught Finn smiling down at him, fingers gently stroking him under the chin.
If I was back on that beach, then I wouldn’t have this.
And I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.
“Is that the last one?”I peered up into the loft, waiting for Finn to come back.
He leant over the edge of the opening, hands full. “Yep. There was more than I remembered.”
I reached up to take the box of Christmas decorations from him, then put them on the landing with the others he’d passed to me. He’d wanted to let the tree settle overnight, so we were decorating it today. I was glad he hadn’t wanted to do it yesterday. I hadn’t been in the best of moods, and I definitely lacked any festive spirit.
I’d gone to bed earlier than I usually would on a Saturday night, and I don’t think Finn had been far behind me. What a couple of old men we were.
As we carried the boxes and bags downstairs, I asked him something that I’d been thinking about for the past few days. “How come you never go out?” As far as I knew, he hadn’t been out for the last two weekends, which, okay, wasn’t all that strange, but he was only twenty-six. And single. Shouldn’t he at least be going out with his mates?
He stopped on the stairs and looked up at me, eyebrows raised. “How come you don’t?”
