My head hangs in shame and my eyes water, bringing to the surface the deeply rooted regret and shame I feel with how I have treated the only man besides Ev to ever love and care for me.
“I wish I had a good answer, but I don’t. At first I was embarrassed or ashamed that I had gotten pregnant, especially since he offered to help with contraceptives for us. I was going to reach out after Rune was born, but then my life was so consumed with Rune that I didn’t even really think about it, and when life settled and Rune was a bit more independent, it had been so long and I thought he would be angry with me. I was scared. I couldn’t cope if I found out he was angry with me, and I was too afraid to find out.”
Saying my confession out loud makes it sound even more cowardly than it did in my head. God, I could have at least sent a letter. I always communicated my feelings better through writing.
“He’s not mad at you, Leo.” Ev stands and grabs his cell phone from the counter.
“What? You can’t possibly know that.” I shake my head at him. Just because he is moving forward with me doesn’t mean Ski will. Why would he? I left him just as much as I left Ev.
“I can because I have been visiting him every year. I thought maybe you would have told him where you were, but as each year passed, he hadn’t heard. But every time, I never got the impression he was mad at you.”
I hear a dial tone ringing out, and I suddenly feel nauseous. “Everett James, what areyou—”
“Mill’s Coffee House. How can I help you?”
I think my heart stops beating. His deep rough voice soothes a broken part of my soul. I feel my tears hit my hands that are gripping my coffee cup. I didn’t even realize that I had started crying.
“Hey, old man.”
“Hey, Ev. How ya doing?”
Ev. He called him Ev.
“I’m good.”
I’m staring at the phone as if I could see Ski through it. I close my eyes, I see him there standing behind the bar, the old yellow phone in his hand. He has a towel thrown over his shoulder and his hand on his hip. I feel the warmth that he always brought to me from here.
“You found her.” There is no anger in his voice. Just…relief.
“I did.” I can hear the smile in Ev’s voice.
“Tell her I said I love her.”
“I will.”
“Enjoy her, boy. I’ll see you soon.”
“You know it, old man.”
Then the phone hangs up. He didn’t make me talk to Ski, but he let him know I was safe. His patience with me is overwhelming. He never pushes me to do anything if I’m not ready, and if I could show him how much this means to me, letting Ski know I’m safe while also respecting my choice to speak with him in my own time… It makes me love this man even more.
“Thank you.” My voice breaks, and as it does, any hesitation I had to build this family with Ev does as well.
“Happiness looks good on you, LJ,” Cole’s spirited voice whispers in my ear as she walks behind me.
I couldn’t stop the blush rising up my cheeks if I tried. Two weeks ago, Ev and I decided to start “dating” again. God, that sounds fucking weird. What we have is so incredibly beyond dating that it’s almost offensive to say that. Every day that Ev hasn’t had to work, he has been with Rune and me, and although we keep the touching and kissing away from Rune, that kid is too smart for his own good. I see the way he looks between us with a sparkle in his eyes. He is so happy to have a man in his life, and he doesn’t even know that Ev is his real father.
I could kick myself for not telling him when Ev first met us at the coffee shop. I was just so scared that Ev would leave us again. I didn’t know the truth then. I need to bring it up, and Ev and I can decide when and how to tell Rune the truth.
It’s slow at the shop right now, typical for a Tuesday afternoon. The few customers seated are tapping away on their computers or just people watching with headphones on, probably listening tosome audiobook. It’s peaceful here, quiet. Don’t get me wrong… I love when it’s busy because that means more customers enjoying our coffee, but it's these quiet moments, only the blur that the noises of the city makes, that make me feel most at home. Makes me remember the first time I set foot in a city, with Ev and Gage.
And my sweet Gage, I can’t even bring myself to think about him right now. Not with everything happening with Ev and Rune. Too many thoughts are clouding my brain.
I think about Ev and his devotion to Rune and me, even after all I have done. I think about Miss Dianna and how, without her, I don’t know that I would have made it through. I think about Cole and how she completely contradicts me in the best ways. Where I am shy, she is outgoing. Where I shelter in to find comfort with my darkness, she drags me out to experience the light. Where I am weak, she is strong.
“Thank you, Cole.” I bump my hip into hers as we both stand at the bar, me drying mugs fresh out of the washer and her refilling the syrup bottles.
“For what?” She hip bumps me back.
