“I-I…” I stutter out. I can't string thoughts together in my head. I try to take a deep breath, but it doesn't work. It just makes my eyes burn more, tears rising to the surface.
“I-I…” she mocks. “Pathetic.”
No. No. No!Flashes of middle school race to the forefront of my mind. Being picked on for my skin color, how I never fit in with the black kids or the white kids. How I was called a mutt. Mud was thrown in my face to “darken” me, milk dumped down my shirt to “lighten” me. My breathing picks up, and my heart begins to race. It’s happening. I need to get out of here. I need to run.
Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t let them see you at all.
Run. Run. Run.
Turning on my heel, I take two steps and collide with a solid, warm body. His body. I know it before I even look up.
He wraps his arms around my shoulders, gripping the curls at the back of my head in his hand as he brings my face into his chest. His scent calms me, washing over me like a blanket of serenity. Hints of leather and cinnamon.
“I got you.”
“Everett, I don’t know what happened… I was just asking her to lunch, and she freaked out.” Her voice has changed. It’s no longer vicious but innocent. Oh, how quickly some people can swap out their masks.
My entire body trembles because I know what is about to happen. He is going to see the truth, that I am weak, broken…nothing when standing next to her.
Run.
He pulls my head back, but I shake it, telling him no, I can’t look at him. Tears are brimming my eyes, and if I look at him now, I’ll lose it. In front of everyone. I can’t. I need to run, but he wont let me go.
He pulls back just enough to capture my gaze with his burning green eyes. He cradles my face in his hands, and I’m forced to look at him. Forced to face my fears. And what I fear most right now is when he realizes that she is right. I don’t belong with him. His eyes bounce back and forth between my own, once again, like they did a few weeks ago, but now it’s not a joke. Now the pain is real.
“Do. Not. Listen to her. You already have me, and you are right where you belong. With me.”
My heart cracks open, his fire pouring into it, igniting it. The tears fall. I release my grip on his brown sweater, which until now I hadn’t even realized I was holding on to. I take a few steps back until we are no longer touching, and he steps forward.
He won’t let me run. Ineedto run. I need to flee from his confession. He is wrong. He is blind. He will see me one day and understand I was not meant for him. And I cannot allow myself that heartache.
“Phoenix,” I whisper so no one but he and I can hear.
“No… Don’t do this to me now.” He pleas as he reaches out to me.
I spin and walk away. True to his word, though, he doesn’t follow. He doesn’t chase, for now. I know without a doubt he will, eventually.
My vision blurs as my tears suffocate my vision. My legs shake and give out in the aisle before my safe corner, and I bury my head in my hands. Finally, I let the tears fall. I give myself the space to break because I know, despite how hurt I am, I will pick myself up. I always do. I always will.
I promised myself a long time ago that no matter how bad it gets, I will always come back stronger. So I allow myself to break, but I will not stay broken.
I could kick myself for getting lost in him. I forgot to fear being seen and noticed. I let myself begin to imagine a life with him. Even if it was a long-distance one. Natasha reminded me where I belong. And it’s not here.
When I have no tears left, I rise, take a deep breath, and go to class. My heart was softening, but no more. I’ve reinforced my armor. Whatever this is between Ev and me, it’s done. I cannot allow him to put a target on my back and hummingbirds in my chest. I will sacrifice being his if it means I can remain invisible to everyone else.
Weeks pass, and I have continued to ignore Everett. Each note he passes me, I reply with Phoenix. Every time he tries to approach me. Phoenix. And every time, he sticks to his word. He leaves me be. In the beginning, it was hard. Okay, it's still hard. His emotions, his desire to break down my walls is written all over his beautiful face. I want to give in. But I have to stay strong. He will move on. He is Everett freaking Rowan. He will find a new girl to pass notes to. One who will graciously give her heart away and accept his in return. With time, he will forget about me. But I know I will never forget him.
The first week of October rolls in, bringing with it the changing leaves and chilly air. Air filled with a calming aura that soothes me this time of year.
The quiet of the shop allows for Ski and I to experiment and create our specialty Halloween drinks. We always have a few themed drinks for the major holidays. Coming up with recipes is my favorite part. Last year, we had a drink at Christmas called the Melted Snowman. It was a white chocolate mocha with graham cracker crumblesand a toasted marshmallow. We put an orange straw in it to be the snowman’s nose. Everyone loved it, and seeing them laugh at the orange straw was the best part. It made me feel like I’d made an impact, even if it was simply bringing laughter to someone's day. I know now, after hearing Everett's laugh, that a little laughter can do magical things.
Stop thinking about him, Leo.
Halloween is a bit trickier as most places don't do specialty drinks for spooky season but I batted my lashes and said pretty please and Ski caved. Such a sucker. So here we are, trying and failing to come up with something spooky and flavorful. Have you ever tried making candy corn and coffee go together? Well, I'll save you the trouble. It doesn't.
"Can't we just do like a pumpkin drink? Everyone likes pumpkin spice." Ski is whipping up a batch of orange whipping cream for my next idea, if I can only get this matcha one right.
"Pumpkin spice is on our fall menu. We need to do something different for Halloween." I huff out as I try to mix my green matcha with my purple dyed foam. But it mixes too much and now my drink is brown.
