“And?”
“And? What do you mean and? He’s going to be a father.”
Ski looks to Rune. “He already is, Leo. Just because this baby is Natasha’s doesn’t change anything between the two of you. If anything, that little nugget is a blessing. A chance for Everett to experience what he wasn’t given the chance to with Rune, and Rune is going to get to be a big brother.”
His truth stings. This is a chance for Everett to get to be a father in a way that I took from him.
“He hid Natasha from me. He was sleeping with her all this time. The one person who made my teenage life hell.”
“Don’t make this about you, Leo. Let go of the past.”
I’m shocked, a little pissed off too. He’s pulling the fight out inside me, and I don’t like it.
“Everett and Natasha have been friends for a long time. And despite who he is to the outside world, you know that Ev has very few people he trusts and is close with. Like it or not, Natasha has been there for him, before you and when you left. Now don’t look at me like a wounded little bird. I know that you were lied to. I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that you left him. You don’t get to judge him for how he coped with the damage your departure caused.”
I hate that he’s right. We were both put into incredibly difficult situations. I made selfish choices to heal and cope with what I thought Ev did, and it seems he did too. And as much as I hate Natasha, she was there for him. I don’t know their relationship, but something in her must speak to Ev for him to trust her. There must be a side to her that she only gives to him, just like Gage, just like me. Everett is the type of person who seems to collect all our vulnerable parts that we don’t allow anyone else to see. He keeps them safe.
“Did you ask him about why he didn’t tell you about his relationship with Natasha?”
Shit.
“No.” I hang my head in shame.
“You ran before allowing him to tell you his truth. Just like eight years ago.”
“Yes.”
“Your defense mechanism has always been to run, Leo. And I don’t blame you, with what you have been through. But you can’t run all your life, sweetie. Eventually you need to turn around and face your fears. That boy loves you. He loves you like I loved my Millie. Run to him, not from him. Let him catch you. He will if you let him.”
My chest hurts with the truth Ski is laying on me. Stupid wise old man.
He cups my cheek with his warm hand and moves my face so I am looking at him. “You need to let her go.”
I know. I know in my heart, he doesn't mean Natasha. He means my mother.
Her hands still wrap around my throat, my heart, keeping me afraid. Keeping me flightless and although I don't let my memories haunt me any longer. It seems she still lingers. Am I strong enough to face her? I think I am now. I hope I am. But am I strong enough to forgive her?
When I look to Rune and see Everett, I realize that I have to be. For them both.
“Is she still in the trailer?”
“No, sweetie. Here.” His voice is somber as he scribbles an address on a napkin and slides it to me. “If it’s okay with you, I can keep Rune here. I think you need to do this by yourself.”
After speaking to Rune and he is comfortable staying with Ski, I hop into my rental and plug the address into my phone. Must be another trailer park. Her lot number is 99.
Ten minutes later, I pull up to the address.
I get out, and the gray sky begins to drizzle, mimicking how I feel on the inside.
After a few minutes, I find lot number 99, marked by a gravestone.
Celleste Rose Laney
November 11, 1983-February 23, 2023
Where other headstones say beloved mother, friend, sister, hers is empty. The same way she made me feel for eighteen years. And despite the emptiness inside me left by her love, my tears fall.
I cry for the loss of my abuser.
