One minute she was laughing and smiling and then next she was crying. Leo and I surrounded her with our love—me on one side and Leo on the other. Sometimes she would lean in to me, tucking herself into my shoulder like she used to when we were kids. But most of the time, it was actually Leo she clung to. I don’t blame her. When you have gone through as much as Leo has, people can sense that. They know and feel the safety and understanding you provide. That’s what Leo is. She never judges and even tries to make things right. She is just there, pouring out her love till you feel a little less empty.
I drove Nat back to her hotel, and now I am standing outside my apartment door, my hand clasped to the silver knob, but I can’t make myself twist my wrist and open the door.
I know what's on the other side. My Leo and my Rune. My son.
But there is something about seeing him that scares the fuck out of me. I just lost a child. And now I have this one, who is happy and healthy, and I am grateful as fuck for that, but I am also angry. Why couldn’t my baby girl be healthy? I’m afraid that if I see Rune, I won’t be able to hide my pain. Will I be able to hug him and not imagine what it would be like to hug her? Will I be able to hear his laugh and not wonder what her laugh would have sounded like?
For the first time in my life, I understand Leo’s urge to run. That’s all I want to do right now. I want to escape from this reality. But not forever, no. I could never do that. I just need time.
I have been numb since I picked Nat up at her hotel. I have been in doctor mode, evaluating and seeing everything from a physician's point of view. I know that there was nothing we could have done. I know that there was nothing that we did to cause this. I know that one in four women lose their child to miscarriage. These are all things I have been running through my head.
But I also know that my chest fucking hurts. The images that I had imagined of my little girl. Her dressing me in pink, painting my nails, doing my makeup. Her first date, seeing her in a prom dress. Fuck, seeing her in a wedding gown and walking her down the aisle. All those thoughts and hopes and dreams ran through my mind a million times since finding out I was going to be her father, and thenin one moment, they were gone. Even though I had only known about her less than forty-eight hours, I had imagined a life with her.
I am pulled from my thoughts as the door handle turns in my hand, but it’s not me who is turning it. And as it opens, Leo is there.
A flood of emotion rushes to the surface at seeing her. Coming home to her. Her eyes hold mine, and I know she can see me as I break. I wish I could stay strong. But it’s out of my control.
No words are passed, but the tears fall. My tears.
She grabs my hand, pulls me inside, and leads me to the couch, where she urges me to sit. Then she guides my head into her lap as she strokes my hair, and I let my sorrow take over.
I let it hit me.
I let it consume me.
I let myself remove the physician part of myself and grieve like a father.
She stays silent, allowing it all as she continues to run her fingers through my hair.
Finally, after what feels like hours, my tears are dry and I lift my head.
“Thank you, pretty bird.” I place a kiss to her forehead.
She rests her forehead to my own, and we sit like this for a moment, letting so much love, understanding, forgiveness, and pain pass between us.
“Daddy, I made you something.” Rune’s sweet voice pulls me from Leo. The only person who ever could.
He hands me a picture he drew of a tall stick figure with highlighter yellow hair holding the stick hand of a little stick figure girl with highlighter yellow curly hair in a triangle pink dress.
“Mommy told me that you were going to be sad because you had a daughter that you didn’t get to meet. And I thought maybe you could look at this picture, and maybe it will feel like you got to meet her. I always like to look at pictures of mommy and me when I am sad. I just… I hope…” I can see him stumbling over what else to say.
“Rune. Thank you so much. I love this, and it was so incredibly thoughtful of you. This makes me feel so much better, buddy.” I pull him in by the nape of his neck to snuggle up with Leo and me, and he wraps his small arms around my waist.
“I put a plate of dinner for you in the microwave. If you are hungry, I can heat it up for you?” Leo pulls a blanket over Rune and turns onBig Hero 6for him.
“Thank you, baby. You stay with him. I got it.” I get up and go to the microwave and heat my food then come back and snuggle up with my family. Rune makes it halfway through before falling asleep, and I take him to his room, tucking him in and placing a kiss to his blond curls.
When I come back out, Leo has cleaned up the living room and is sitting at the kitchen island, running her delicate golden fingers over the rim of her coffee mug.
“What’s wrong, my love?” I ask as I place my arms over her shoulders from behind, trapping her overactive head between my biceps.
“I planned a little escape for us. We leave tomorrow morning. Cole is going to watch Rune.” Her voice seems nervous. But I don’t know why she would be. That sounds like exactly what I need.
“Okay, so why are you nervous about it? That sounds like a great idea.”
“Because we’re going back to Aurora, and I…well, I just didn’t know how you would feel about going back…with me.”
Spinning the stool so she is facing me now, I hold her radiant freckled face in my hands. “I would love to go back with you. I’m sure whatever you have planned, I will love. Just like I love you.”
