I break the peaceful silence. “It needs a name.”
“A name?”
“Yeah. What about…Rune Ridge?”
“Rune? What does that mean?” He trails his fingertips along my the backs of my arms.
“Rune means secret. Our secret.” I look up to him now, he is gazing out at the town. I wonder what he is thinking, looking at this small town he has grown up in. Will he be ready to leave? Will he want to come back? Can he give up all the dreams that his family has for him, for me?
“I like it. Rune Ridge. It’s perfect.” He says just before placing a soft kiss to the tip of my nose.
“You know I’ll always be here for you, right?” he whispers into my ear. His warm breath tickles, and I scrunch my shoulder to my cheek, a reflex more than an intentional reaction.
“You will?”
“You doubt me still? It’s you and me.”
My heart takes flight, but fear cages her in again. Fear of what is to come. Where we will go. What we will do. I was so sure of everything I wanted and what I was going to do after graduation, but now it’s all muddled. I can only think of wanting—no, needing to be with Ev right now. The co-dependency that I have for him is terrifying. A part of my logical brain warns me that pursuing this is unhealthy and will only lead to a broken heart. But then he kisses me, holds me, speaks to me in the gentle way he does and I push all logic away, completely in ruins for him.
“What are your plans after high school?” Anxiety crawls up my throat, nervous to know the truth.
“Well, my parents want me to play ball in college. They want me to pursue a career in law or medicine.” That's his practiced answer, the one he gives everyone else. But I know him better.
“And what do you want?”
The breeze makes the trees whisper. As if they could tell me all I desire to hear. But they can’t. Only he can.
“I want to be with you. I want to go to culinary school. I want to get a little studio apartment we can barely afford. We will have to live off Top Ramen and boxed mac ‘n’ cheese. I want to struggle with you. I want to survive with you. I want to do life with you. One day, I'll bring you back here, to this spot. We'll look out to see how far we have come together. I'll drop down on one knee and make you my wife.”
There go my little hummingbird heart-wings. Damn him for making me fall so desperately in love with him.
"Technically I'd be your fiancé."
“Whatever, you little shit. I don't care which word you use. You belong to me. What about you?”
“I told you my plan.” My lips brush the skin of his neck, right where his pulse thrums, as I place a soft kiss to his warm skin.
“Sure. But is that what you want? If you had no restriction and anything you could dream would be your reality, what would you want?”
I ponder his question. I have never thought about it before because it was never an option for me. There are restrictions to my dreams, realities meant for others that could never be mine. Not because of money, although that does pose a significant challenge.But through life, I've been beaten down so much that I was made into a person who could never have the bravery to chase such far-off fantasies. I know and have accepted the life meant for me. An average life. And I'm okay with that. Average isn't always a bad thing.
“I…don’t know. I never really allowed myself to dream like that. Why cause myself that much pain, dreaming up a life that could never be mine?”
"Just play along, pretty bird. Close your eyes. What do you see?"
I do. And when I do, I imagine a little coffee shop, me working behind the bar, smiling at someone. A little boy running up to me and me embracing him, smothering his cute face with kisses. A face that resembles Everett's. Green eyes, blond curly hair. As I hold him in my arms, Ev comes up behind us, wrapping us in his arms. The image is full of love and laughter. Hope and happiness.
"Leo, you can have anything you want. What do you see?"
He doesn't understand. Imagining such a future is painful. It hurts to know that I could never have something like that. Not with him. We are too different. We come from completely different worlds. As much as I want it, someone like me will never have it. He is naive to think I ever could.
"I don't see anything, Everett. I can't allow myself to hope and dream like that because I wont survive the day it never comes. That's why I guard myself. One day you will see, what we have, as beautiful as it is, it's temporary. And I'm okay with that. Even if I can only have you for a short time, at least a part of my life was as beautiful as you."
"Don't say shit like that. I know you can have it because I am going to give it to you. I'll give you everything you want, everything you need. I will do that, if you want me, if you let me."
My chest hurts at his confessions. He is blinded by love, but I see the truth. But for now, I'll enjoy it. It will be the only time in my life I will be loved like Everett loves. This I know to be a fact. His body surrounds me, as does the night. The stars twinkle above us, holding our promises. Maybe one day, when he is gone, I can look back up at these stars and feel him surrounding me.
"I do want you, Ev. I want you there every day." And what I don't say is that I know one day, his love will fade. He will stop his chase. He wants to save the bird with the broken wing. But he will realize how hard it is to love something that has no hope to fly again.
