“Yes. And that.”
“I am glad you didn’t go,” I whispered. But I couldn’t bear it any longer. “What happened between you and Molly O’Flaherty?”
“History,” he answered after a moment. “Ancient history.”
“But…”
Understanding kindled in his eyes. “You heard us. The night we played charades.”
I nodded, my throat stupidly tight.
“I didn’t fuck her,” he said. “If that’s what you thought.”
“I heard kissing.” My voice quavered, and I inwardly cursed my weakness. I wanted to be sophisticated and aloof about this. I wanted him to see how strong I could be. But I cared too much. Hurt too much.
I wanted him all to myself.
“She kissed me,” he admitted. “And I kissed her back. I wanted you so badly, but I was also determined not to take advantage of you. She knew it. I think in her own way she was trying to help.”
“She’s still in love with you.”
He laughed. “Molly doesn’t love people. She may desire them, she may enjoy their company, but she would never stoop to the level of such an undignified emotion.”
“But you two were together once.”
“Once,” he said. “But no more. I pushed her away that night you heard us. I don’t indulge in inferior consolation. If I couldn’t have you, then I wouldn’t have anyone.” He turned away from me for a moment, half his face in shadow. “And I needed to be faithful to you.I had to be.”
The conviction in his voice was almost chilling in its intensity. It was the conviction of a sinner desperate to repent. I didn’t understand it, but at the moment, I didn’t care. I was too relieved.
“So you and Molly didn’t…”
He faced me again. “No, wildcat. I couldn’t. When I want someone the way I wanted—want—you, I don’t fuck other women.”
I shouldn’t ask, but I couldn’t help it. “Was it the same with Violet?”
He sunk into a chair. I got the sense that he was gathering his thoughts, preparing his words, and when he spoke, it was carefully. “I didn’t sleep with anyone while I courted Violet. Not even her. God help me, I had this idea that if I didn’t have her until we were married, that it would show her how different I was from the other men who wanted her, who kept chasing her even after she was engaged to me.”
“Did it work?”
“In the end? No. There was no happy ending for us, and there wouldn’t have been even if she had lived.” He stood and starting pacing, running a hand through his hair. “There are things about me—things that frightened her, things that I could never even show my first wife—and you know what’s strange? I can show them to you. I feel like I can share the darkest parts of me, and you, little wildcat, would love it.” He stopped in front of me, taking my wrist in his hand and bringing it to his mouth, kissing the delicate skin there. “You have the same darkness, I think. And that’s what I need.”
“And that wasn’t Violet?”
His eyes darkened again. “No. That wasn’t Violet.” He let go of my wrist. “Imagine an exotic animal, captured from its native climate and then placed in a zoo. Imagine that animal grew sleek and lazy, spoiled and passive, still bearing the stripes or spots of a wild beast, but inside so feckless and tamed that weakness had permeated every lineament of its soul.”
“Tamed is not a word I would have thought to describe Violet.”
“Of course not—she gave every appearance to the contrary. But in the end, she was no different than any other well-bred girl who dabbles in lust. She wanted things soft and easy, the way most men were willing to give it to her.”
“And what do you do that’s so disturbing to these well-bred girls?”
“Would you like me to show you?”
“Yes,” I said, all my doubts replaced with unconditional longing for the man in front of me. “Yes, again and again.”
Mr. Markham took my hands in his own and looked at me. The firelight flickered off his square jaw and chiseled cheekbones, his eyes greener than ever. “You remember what I said in the library that night. I don’t want to ruin you.”
My face flushed hot, and I yanked my hands out of his. “You don’t get to decide if I’m ruined, Julian Markham. I’ve spent the last ten years looking after myself. I’m as free as you are, and I get to decide whether something ruins my future or not.”
