“It seems I did kill those people, Upsila,” I muse aloud. “I had hoped I did not, that I was not capable of it. But it appears that I do not need spiritual energy to commit crimes. I am, therefore I kill. I killbecauseI am.”
She slurps her water, barely acknowledging my words. But since she has always been my only companion, I have gotten used to speaking to her only to be regaled with her silence in return.
The silence is good.
It’s innocent; non accusing.
The silence is always better than the reverse.
“I wish I had not heard them, Upsi,” I whisper. “But at the same time, I am glad I did. Now I know that I am, indeed, defective—that I did kill. The question is how do I stop it.”
She suddenly looks up at me, her big, black eyes staring straight into my soul.
“I want to learn how to stop it,” I tell her. “That way I don’t have to die.” I bite my lip. “I don’t want to die.”
She comes closer to me, sniffing my hands before following the scent trail to the tray of food I’d placed on the table.
She swallows hard, her gaze coveting as she tries to reach it.
A small smile pulls at my lips.
I grab the tray and place it on the floor. Taking a seat, I invite her next to me.
“Here,” I say, handing her half of my bread loaf. She takes it in her mouth, circling around me before she lays down and starts munching on it.
I stare at her for a few moments, the warmth in my chest I previously thought dead suddenly reigniting.
“I have you, Upsi. That is enough for me,” I murmur and scratch her head.
She continues to eat, and as my stomach grumbles with hunger, I do the same.
The stew is tasty. At one point, I would have relished this immensely since it is my favorite. But my parents’ words still echo in my head, giving the food a nauseating bitterness.
I force myself to swallow. Tears prick at my eyelids, and a lump forms in my throat, but I continue to swallow.
I eat every bit of food on that tray and drink even the last sip of juice. Who knows, it might be my last…
I don’t want to die.
There is so much of the world I have yet to discover—so much I have yet to do. There are so many stories out there to hear, so many things to learn.
I may have lived for over a thousand years, which in itself is a privilege when thinking of those mortals with their limited lifespans, but it is still not enough. I can count on one hand the number of times I have gone outside the Kyr palace walls. The interactions with other people aside from my family have been nonexistent. Although I cannot blame my parents for limiting my exposure to the outside world due to my unfortunate circumstances, I still yearn for a different life.
I place the empty tray on the table and climb into my bed, beckoning Upsila to join me. She jumps up, settling next to me and infusing me with her warmth.
Although deeply troubled, I resolve to be optimistic as I sink into sleep.
That optimism, though, is quickly dashed the following day when my father comes to my room and announces we will go on a hunting trip.
He is dressed in his hunting equipment, a pair of gray linen trousers and a tunic shirt reaching his knees, with a thick brown belt tied around his midriff to carry his weapons.
“A hunting trip?” I ask weakly.
He forces a smile.
“Remember how many times you asked me to take you on one? It’s the season of thecaspri,the perfect time for us to go.”
Father and Baine go hunting every year. It is their favorite activity to do together and one which I longed to be a part of. I still do. But not like this. Not after what I heard last night.
