When I realized Barbi had divine roots, I started thinking that maybe, a soul swap would be possible. Even when I did not know that Lispera was her mother, I was convinced I could use the artifact to power-up the forbidden spell.
Too bad it never existed in the first place.
Yet despite multiple set-backs, the High Priestess gave me something far more valuable than the artifact—the reminder of Barbi’s divine essence. Now Moe will finally live a long, healthy life and she will never have to worry about her own mortality.
The thought makes me momentarily tense. Because if Moe comes back, Barbi will disappear—forever. She will be lost to the lake as Moe has been for thousands of years.
And the thought of it makes me…hurt.
Damnation!Get it together, Nykander!
This is not the time to get sentimental. I have not sacrificed so much for my idiotic heart to have a moment of doubt.
It would not be the first time.
I clench my teeth. My nostrils flare as I recall the many times I let my emotions get out of control and ruin my plans. Where I was supposed to be on good terms with Barbi, court her even, I became irate at my own damn self for feeling too much for her—for betraying Moe with my thoughts. As a result, I lashed out, time and time again, and almost lost her. If it had not been for the High Priestess dangling the non-existent artifact in front of me, I might have screwed everything up with my wretched guilt about the attraction I feel towards Barbi—an attraction that is in itself a betrayal to my vowsandMoe.
PomPom and BonBon earned a little spot in my heart, too, together with little Ander. Yet no matter what will happen here today, that will not change.
They will remain mine, and I will take care as Barbi would have—at least that is a promise I silently make to her.
Her dogs will not want for anything, and I am sure Moe will love them just as much.
Those mundane moments from the Sanctuary briefly flash in my mind, making the ache in my chest intensify.
Despite my act, I have to admit that those were some of the happiest moments I’ve lived in the last seven thousand years. With her silliness and positive disposition, Barbi lightened my days, making me laugh for the first time in forever. She awoke a protectiveness in me that made me act irrationally at times, going as far as to hurt Mr. Foerie for insulting her when Iknew that would have severe repercussions for our stay in the Sanctuary.
I take a deep, harrowing breath as I think back on my behavior, and I can’t help but question whether subconsciously I was trying to sabotage my own plan. Somewhere along the way, a split appeared in my resolve. On the one hand, the plan to get my Moe back remained my main objective. But on the other hand, every little moment spent with Barbi made me waver a little, challenging my convictions and making me act antithetically to my carefully crafted plan.
We might have reached the moment of no return since she has now discovered my true goals, but that doesn’t negate that what we shared was, to an extent, real. I may hate myself for it, and I may resent myself for an eternity to come for this behavior. But even as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I knew deep down that my act was slowly turning into reality.
And now, as I’ve killed the light from her eyes and the love she bore me—as I’m about to killher—I can only be honest with myself in admitting that I do care about her. Perhaps even more than Iamwilling to accept.
And that makes what I am about to do so much more painful.
Yet these thoughts in themselves are a betrayal to my love, because I realize I am so damn selfish that I want them both, even knowing that is not possible.
I have to make a choice. It’s only one or the other.
Yet no matter which choice I make, the result will be the same—a lifetime of regret.
And when Moe finds out what I have done—how far I have taken my revenge—she might repudiate me too.
The risk is very real that I might lose both of them.
Barbi will never forgive me for my betrayal, while Moe might never be able to look at me the same for the atrocities I have committed in her name. I am aware of that. But mayhap thatis my lifelong curse. To be too aware of my own self and my mistakes to such an extent that no matter what road I take, it will always be the wrong one.
I have killed, tortured and maimed. I have done so many terrible things even while knowing how terrible they are. Yet I was fine with damning myself in everyone’s eyes as long as I got my beloved back.
Selfish, is it not?
Because that’s what I am—what I’ve always been. So damn selfish, that I could justify any means as long as they lead me to my ultimate goal. Unfortunately, now, my selfishness has reached untenable heights.
I grind my teeth to keep the pain at bay as I regard Barbi’s beautiful but terrified face.
There is a part of me that still wants her. One night and I cannot shake the way she made me feel—the way her scent still clings to my skin. One night that I justified as a stepping stone—I had to fully mate her for the ritual to work, no? After all, her body would soon be Moe’s, so one can say I did nothing wrong.
But I did something wrong, did I not?
