Thoughts of the move to Boston still troubled her at times, and how they would have resolved their differences. She doubted she’d have been brave enough to stand her ground and say no, when he’d wanted to grasp the opportunity and had brushed away her concerns. She wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to being a widow, not a wife. No longer married, except in her heart. That brought Raf to mind again, and the kiss they had shared, his assurance that she hadn’t betrayed the husband she’d lost. How long would it take to feel like the single person she actually was? Would the dating app help? Should she swipe and find a match, someone who might understand because they’d been bereaved too? Just give it a go and not overthink it.
For all that Isla and Rory would love and miss their dad forever, their own lives would move on. They would become adults and begin careers, find partners and create homes of their own. Ewan would be a part of their past, someone bound up in memories rather than reality. It was her life that was in limbo, suspended between the past and an uncertain future, and even her career might well be on the line after the meeting tomorrow. She stuffed another plate into the dishwasher with a sigh. She could only wait and see.
Back in her office the next day, Cassie turned her mind firmly to work as she made her way to the board room for the meeting with her new boss. She’d got on well with James since the start. An elegant, handsome man whose grandparents had been part of the Windrush generation, he worked hard and expected the same from his staff. But he was adaptable too, and understood the line between home and work could occasionally be a blurred one.
James pulled out a chair for her, and she thanked him as she brought coffees across. Perhaps that was old fashioned of him, but it was mannerly, and she liked it. He waited until she had sat down before moving his seat, so they were facing one another. He began by explaining that this was more of an informal chat than a meeting which would go on record, and that eased a smidgeon of the tension in her shoulders. Informal or not, the next few minutes felt as though they could be seminal ones in the career she had grown over nearly twenty years. Was she too old now? Too sad, too burdened and distracted?
He enquired about her and the children, and she gave him an honest reply. Most people asked her this, but not everyone listened. She worked hard not to wear her bereavement like a badge everyone had to acknowledge before they could move on. Was he asking because he was genuinely concerned, or was her emotional health a means of managing her out of her job if change was on the way? If they wanted her gone, she wasn’t sure she had the strength to try and fight it.
Fifteen minutes later Cassie stumbled from the board room in a daze. As it was lunchtime, something she normally spent at her desk so as to make most effective use of her time, she escaped into Grosvenor Square to think, longing to call Pippa or Raf. But she couldn’t break a confidence, and gradually her usual sharp focus returned, her mind running over practicalities, the day-to-day at home and how to balance it against the news she’d just received.
She was still on tenterhooks when she arrived home later. Jas cooked supper, and afterwards Cassie asked Isla and Rory to hang around instead of going to their rooms. She was used to working unbalanced hours she fitted in around her family. Holidays interrupted, occasional school events missed, and she and Ewan had pulled together to support their children. But this new role would require another level of commitment, and with Pippa and Harriet, and now Fiona and Gordon in Yorkshire, Cassie wanted to spend more time with those she loved, not less. She took Isla and Rory through the proposed changes after swearing them to absolute secrecy and only needed to see the fear and uncertainty filling Rory’s gaze to know she was doing the right thing.
‘Global head of public relations?’ Isla exclaimed, leaping up to hug Cassie. ‘Mum, that’s awesome and you totally deserve it.’
‘Thank you, sweetheart, that’s so kind of you. It’s because we’re merging with a European group, one that has hotels in Amsterdam, Paris and Prague.’ Cassie paused. ‘So it would mean quite a bit of travel, especially at the start.’
‘Are you going to say yes, Mum?’ Rory rubbed a finger with his thumb, the same thing she always did when she was stressed, and she took his hand. ‘I mean, I know it’s brilliant for you, and Isla’s right, you totally deserve it. It’s just…’
Cassie’s other hand found Isla’s, and she looked at her fingers entwined around her children’s. If only she could keep them this close always. A moment of regret for her career passed through her mind, but she firmly shook it away.
‘No, darling, I’m not. I think it’s too much for us right now, and I want to be at home for both of you. I know you’re growing up and becoming more independent, and that’s wonderful and perfectly natural. But I think you still need me around for a while yet.’
Happiness clutched at her throat as she saw the relief rushing into Rory’s face, and finally the burden of responsibility on her shoulders began to lift. She looked at Isla, searching for her daughter’s response. Would Isla feel Cassie was letting her down somehow, failing in her example as a working mother? Cassie’s future was stretching before her, strangely blank without the routine of work, running on adrenaline and coffee alongside the brilliant team she had built.
‘Oh, Mum.’ Suddenly Isla’s arms were around her neck, and Cassie reached an arm around Rory too, so he could join in the embrace.
‘I don’t want you to miss out on something you love because of us,’ Isla muttered. ‘If you want to go for it, you should.’
‘I don’t want it, Isla, I promise,’ Cassie assured her. ‘The thought of promotion is a flattering one, and I can’t deny I was tempted. But the reality would be more people to lead, more problems to solve, sitting in airports on my laptop and missing out at home. That isn’t what I want, not now. Maybe one day I can go back.’ But by then the world would have moved on again and she would be out of the loop, trying to step back through a door she’d always managed to push open. Returning twice after maternity leave and juggling everything else had been difficult enough.
‘I’ll miss the wonderful people I work with, but I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing, for all of us.’ She gripped Isla’s hand. ‘You’re not disappointed in me for not taking the job?’
‘No!’ Isla’s eyes were shimmering with tears. ‘Dad was always really busy, and I know he loved us. But I don’t think a promotion would make you happy, and you always say, especially now, that we should go after what makes us happy. We love you loads, and I think it’s totally the right thing to do. You can get another job.’
Doing what, Cassie really wasn’t sure. But an idea had dropped into her mind earlier, and she planned to explore it as soon as she could.
‘But we don’t want to hold you back if you really want it.’
‘Hold me back?’ She gulped, swiping at her eyes. ‘Darling, please don’t ever think that, because you’re absolutely not. I’ve always loved my job, but it’s not the same since we lost Dad.’ She paused, smiling through the sadness. ‘And here’s the bit I hope you’re really going to like. I’m going to ask if I can give a month’s notice instead of three so I can leave before you break up in July. I will need a job eventually, but we can manage if I take the summer off.’
‘Seriously?’ Exhilaration flew across Rory’s face. ‘You mean, no work at all? All summer? No emails or meetings when we’re away?’
‘I do. You’ll be bored silly of me after six weeks.’
‘We won’t,’ he told her seriously. ‘Granny always says that family time is precious, and I think she’s right.’
‘So do I.’ Cassie nodded. ‘She’s very wise, your granny.’
‘So does that mean we can spend the summer with them in Hartfell?’
‘I don’t think so, Rory, I’m sorry.’ She hated to disappoint him so soon. ‘They have quite a lot of work to do on the new house, and the builders will be there for weeks. I spoke to Granny earlier, and she and Grandpa are thinking they’ll take a holiday of their own, something they’ve not been able to do in summer for years because of running the cottages.’
‘Okay.’ Some of the hope fizzled out of Rory, and Isla was at the door, heading to her room to revise. ‘It doesn’t matter. It’ll be nice for them to have a proper holiday, they deserve it.’
‘Absolutely.’ Cassie smoothed his hair. How typical of him to understand, to appreciate the bigger picture in play. ‘And you two are going to Italy with Jas for some sunshine too, with Gigi.’
‘Yeah.’ Rory picked up his phone. However much her children would love the Italian adventure, for them nothing compared to weeks in a Scottish farmhouse with a beach at the bottom of the garden, and seemingly never-ending daylight.
