A streak of guilt hits me in the chest at the reminder, as if I could ever put the hurt of witnessing Crimson’s death into a box in my mind and forget. “Crimson didn’t come between us when she was alive. There’s no way I’ll let her do that now she’s dead.”
“Dead, Ten. Dead. Calix nearly died trying to protect me from Fenix, and if that wasn’t enough, Crimson came with you and endured all that torture and cruelty for what? Nothing. She lost her life. And the Usher won’t stop. It doesn’t matter that Fenix can’t be his puppet. He’ll make him into a Martyr. Or worse, he’ll be looking for someone else who can break the confines of Aslendrix’s magic and manipulate them to fight his war.”
Her words are bitter and sting like the cut of a knife, sharpened with the pain she’s felt at her brother’s hands.
But more than that, there’s an anger, darker and bolder than before. She was always tentative with her magic, having to fight for any scrap of information about what it might mean for her. And, if I’m honest, we still don’t know what a Fifth is capable of, and maybe we never will. That’s the fear of them.
I don’t push again and let us slip along the path Kalan’s mapped for us, so we avoid all villages and settlements. We hug the woods and forests, and don’t stop for supplies. Eating no more than rations is the norm now, anyway.
The sun is hidden behind a thick barrier of cloud and grey, and we lose the light earlier than the previous day.
“We’re not going to make it in the dark. Better to camp and arrive tomorrow.” Kalan turns on the seat of his horse to tell us the new plan.
Neither of us argues, having slowed to an easy plod.
The distance between Ever and me continues as we tie the horses and make a camp. Kalan fetches kindling for the fire, and even with the woods to ourselves, I can feel the anguish from Ever. I release the hold of my power further, and without even needing to push towards her, I can feel a furnace of rage in her.
The weight of the events suffocates the conversation after Kalan’s return, too. It’s like we’re waiting for Ever to share what she remembers, neither of us wanting to push her. But we have to talk about it.
I take the blanket and wrap it around us again.
She doesn’t fight it and is happy to curl up as close as she can.
Lying side to side, the flicker of firelight the only glow, I whisper to her, “I told you that I’d endure every possible future, as long as you’re still there with me, and I mean that. I’m still here. You’re still here. Nothing else matters, do you hear me?”
The sound of her breath catching is her only response. Before, her breathing stutters some more, and her body shakes.
“I’m frightened, Ten,” she whispers back, in between the tears I can’t see, but feel, with each shake of her body. “Of what I could do. Of what I did. What I was capable of.”
I take my thumb and swipe at her cheek, wanting to erase the tears as well as every ounce of her pain.
“Even if I’ve lost my magic, that doesn’t change anything that happened. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.” Her words grow in volume, as if she’s found her fight again. “I don’t want to go back to Kirrasia—there’s no allegiance to the Orders, but I’ve seen and felt what the Usher wants. We have to warn them because he doesn’t want to stop at ruling Kirrasia.He has designs on everyone, and Estereah will pay in blood and servitude. Sunatora and Nehandun, too.”
“I thought you didn’t want to go back,” I check.
“I don’t. If I thought I’d be able to hide away and return to my old life, I would. I’m not a Fifth anymore. I can’t fight.” Sorrow clouds the small space between us, her emotions all over the place as she finally opens up. “It was terrifying, Ten. What he’s been working for all these years. Moving the pieces, influencing people, drawing them into position, ready for them to do his bidding. Fenix was a part of that. He needed him to spearhead the army, but where I fit in isn’t clear. I took Selina’s power away, so I don’t?—”
“You took her power? Not just drained it like you do to me or others when we touch?” She’s had contact with plenty of people in our classes, and she’s never taken their power away. Could she do that to any of us? That dark worry starts to unfurl in the pit of my stomach at what she did while Crimson and I were locked in that cave.
“I don’t know, Ten. But it wasn’t the same. It was…” She doesn’t elaborate, and I feel the turmoil and confusion cloud around us. Her emotions are now so potent, I don’t even need to bring my blocks down.
She rolls to her back, looking up at the trees and leaves blocking the view of the stars.
“Are you sure the Usher’s plans won’t change now your brother is dead?” Just mentioning her brother has me balling my fist at my side. I hate him. Thinking about him being dead doesn’t even give me any sense of satisfaction after everything he did. He deserved everything he got, and I’m proud that Crim was able to take him on and bring him down. I hope he rots in Zuns.
“I don’t know. Maybe the Usher will think about when to set the plan into motion. I took power from him, but how much and if it even affected him is unknown. I also don’t trust that he won’tcome after me. He will look for me. He wants the power he sees as his.”
“Is that why you don’t want to stay? You’re frightened he’ll come for you?”
“Partly.” She’s quiet for a moment. “I don’t have a family anymore. I never did, so there’s nowhere I belong to, and the way the Orders treated me garners no favours, but this is beyond that. This is life and death. I have to do the right thing, and I want to speak to the Maker.” She exhales, as if she’s made up her mind, and my jaw clenches trying to keep my words from spilling out.
But I can’t. “You do have a family. It might not be of blood, but you already know that doesn’t mean anything. Have I not done enough to prove to you how I feel? What do you need from me before you think ofmeas family?”
“You still have a family, Ten. Your mother. Your father. I can’t ask you to abandon them.” Her voice is soft and a little defeated. And I hate it. I hate that after everything we’ve been through, I’m still losing her.
I don’t say anything else because I can feel my own ire stir and build inside of me. “We don’t need to decide anything tonight. We’ll be at Lyle’s tomorrow. You need to rest.” I close my eyes, fighting the urge to wrap her in my arms. Fighting the urge to scream at her to come to her senses. Instead, I settle for reaching my hand to hers and intertwining our fingers.
thirty
