Her words sink in, and I want to rail against them and this feeling of helplessness.
“He’s torturing us, hurting her, and I have no fucking power to stop it.” My words break the dam of guilt I’ve been holding back over what I did to Ever.
Stars above, Aslendrix, forgive me.
“It wasn’t you, Ten.”
“It fucking was. It was the blade in my hand, my arms, my movement.” I’ve never had any trouble with fighting before, but feeling the blade sink into her flesh was too much. It was worse than last time. This had intent and malice. I felt it swarm and overtake me. Fenix’s emotions were all over his control of me, festering and suffocating, and they invaded like invisible claws hooking into my will.
“But it was Fenix. She knows that,” she placates, and that’s just it, it only placates me. It doesn’t fix the part of me that shredded Ever with the blade, as if each strike to her cut a piece of me away, too. The pieces of me I vowed to protect her with.
With the rest of my scattered thoughts, I shove the shields back around my mind. I build them as hard and strong as I can until I’m breathing hard with the strain.
She’ll be healed. She will be fine. I know that. But I need time to come to terms with our new reality.
The girl—the same one as last time—arrives a while later to patch me up. The gate isn’t opened to allow her inside our cell, but she does what she can through the bars to stop any further blood loss and then leaves.
I already know it’s not a great job, but it will help me to heal naturally, and I grimace at the thought of her mending Ever. She deserves Perrin or an equally gifted healer to repair her wounds. She has enough hurt in her life. She doesn’t need scars from my blade, too.
Crimson declines any help to heal the bruises she took. She’s tough and will wear the marks to her skin with pride rather than risk what the girl will do trying to mend her again.
“You should have run. It was a good chance. People were distracted, and you’re faster than anyone here. I’ll bet my life on it.”
“I’m not going to leave you, Ten. I want that snake to suffer. He nearly killed Calix. After seeing what he did to Ever, I think I should be thankful he left us alive.” She stands and comes to join me by my side at the mouth of the cave. “We’ll be okay, Ten. We’ll all get through this.”
Crimson didn’t realise how wrong she would be.
For the next few days, we have to relive the torture, over and over again.
More people come to push us from our holding cell to the arena, making the briefest of contacts and limiting any new power we can use.
Every day is the same. Ever is the puppet, with Fenix forcing her to play to his particular brand of torturous tune. Usually me.
I keep my shields up when we are fighting, blocking her pain from spilling into my own. But as soon as the swords fall, I drop the shield, needing her to feel how sorry I am for every slight, graze, or cut.
Getting through this is my own personal hell, and feeling her pain, too, drives me to the brink of insanity every night. Every injury, every stab or cut I take, I imagine is from him, and not the girl I love. Just like he’s inflicting every hurt on her, using me as his weapon.
The smallest mercy, if you can call it that, is that he’s not quite as vicious as before, keeping most of her injuries to surface wounds.
It isn’t me. It isn’t me.
We are alive.Sheis alive. Seeing her becomes more than a craving—it’s a necessity. Seeing her dragged off to be healed, leaving, not knowing if this time my sword pierced too deep, is an anguish I hate, and my nightmare stretches far beyond the confines of my fitful sleep.
Each day grows harder. And each day, it takes more of me to put up a fight against the overpowering control Fenix has. Fighting him, healing from the poor job of mending, keeping my metal shield in place, makes me feel little more than a husk of the man who set out to try and bring Ever home.
Ever learns to mask her emotions, too. Her eyes no longer shine like starlight when she looks at me. Hollows appear under them, as if sleep is eluding her, too—a mirror for my own restless nights.
“Don’t abandon me. I know this isn’t you. I know you’d never hurt me.”Her words travel our connection, and as much as I believe them, it doesn’t lessen the gut-wrenching pain inside of me.
“He is breaking me, Ever. He is forcing me to do this to you, and I have no control. No power to stop it.”
“He won’t let you really hurt me. He needs me. I’m his Twin. You need to hold on to that.”
Even through our connection, I sense the waver in her voice. It doesn’t sound like she’s lying, but I know what he threatened her with. She’s grasping, hoping that he’s bluffing. Living through and seeing how far he’s willing to go to tame us, I’m losing hope that keeping Ever alive is enough of an incentive for him.
“I would kill for you, Ever. I have killed for you. I have been banished, defied any sense and logic, and made it back to you because I love you. But I don’t know how to fight this. I’m hurting you. I feel it when the blade slides into you, and it’s killing me.”
She has no answer to soothe the despair I’m trapped in.
