“Oh,” I breathed.
Unable to stand on my own anymore, I staggered over to the wall and placed my hand against it to keep from falling on my face.
“Ellery, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“I forgot.” The words barely croaked out through the lump in my throat. “I forgot you said that, and I went to meet Ryker in the garden. My mother could still be alive if I stayed.”
“Ellery—”
“Why didn’t you warnherat least?” I asked shrilly.
“I couldn’t find her either. I didn’t know where she was, and I didn’t have much time. It’s not your fault, Ellery. I should havetold you earlier, but I couldn’t have the two of you rushing out or trying to warn others. I only left myself with a very short window to tell you, and I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.”
Closing my eyes, I tried to breathe, but it was almost impossible through the constriction in my chest.
“Once, I saw the two of you there and then couldn’t find you again, I told myself I’d look out for you, but everything went wrong, and by the time I found you both again, it was too late.”
If I hadn’t been in the garden with Ryker, maybe I could have saved my mother. I might have gotten the warning from Callan and been beside her when it all started.
Iwouldhave gotten her out of there. She might still be alive.
“If I wasn’t in the garden, I would have saved her,” I whispered. “You would have found me.”
“Or not. She wasn’t in the garden, was she?”
“No, she must have still been in the ballroom because she was trapped on the floor.”
“And I still couldn’t find her. I didn’t have enough time. If you had been in the ballroom, I might not have found you either, and you could have died with her. Don’t blame yourself for this, Ellery. It wasmyfault. I should have told you both to leave when we were talking. I shouldn’t have waited, and I shouldn’t have been so confident in my ability to find you again later, but I really didn’t believe anything would go wrong. I wasconvincedwe’d win.”
“You were desperate to believe you’d win.”
“Yes.”
“It wasn’t a very well-thought-out plan, but I understand why you all did it. We’re all desperate to be free of them.”
“The second I saw you, I should have told you to take your mother and go, but I was afraid something would go wrong. I trusted you both, but the rebellion was so much bigger than me, and your mother had the biggest heart of anyone I’ve everknown. I wasn’t sure she could walk away from there without at least trying to save a few others too, and if that happened….”
“Everything would fall apart,” I said when his voice trailed off.
“It did anyway, but I didn’t see that coming.”
And my mother would have tried to save others because that’s who she was.
“I was so stupid,” Callan muttered.
“You weren’t the only one.”
“You didn’t see Luna at the earl’s castle?”
“No, but I also wasn’t looking for her.”
I didn’t tell him that her body could have been piled on the heap of them. He didn’t need that image in his head.
“If she’s alive, and if she can, she’ll be here,” I assured him.
“I hope so.”
I did too. I’d lost my mother because of their bad decision, but I’d also almost lost her over my bad choice to become the Hooded Robber. I’d been lucky; they weren’t.
