Heknowsabout Nora.
Do I tell him I love her?
Actually, maybe I should start by confirming that I like her.
He wipes his brow with a folded handkerchief, tucks it back into his pocket, then looks me square in the eye. “Were you and Nora spying on us in Apple Ridge the other week? It seems quite coincidental that you were there, right outside of the bookshop during that party.”
“Why would we do that?” I ask, genuinely confused, and also slightly relieved.
He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes before putting them back on. “Son, I may be old, but I’m not senile. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I know you didn’t approve of our marriage. You made that very clear on our wedding day, but I asked Moira to be my wife with a clear mind and a happy heart. You don’t need to follow me around to keep an eye on me like I’m some doddering old fool.”
The tips of his ears are red, along with his cheeks, and I feel a rush of guilt. Obviously, I was not following him around because I thought he’d do something foolhardy or dangerous, but it distresses him to think so—and I can’t tell him the truth without having Nora’s go-ahead.
Besides, it’s possible that knowing the truth would onlymake him feel worse. While I’d argue there’s nothing strange about Nora and I being together, it could create complications for our parents.
Of course, my father didn’t consult me regarding any of the complications he might create for me by dating the mother of the girl I was obsessed with in high school. Admittedly, he likely does not know I was obsessed with Nora in high school, since I mostly kept that to myself—only Kenji knows beyond any shadow of a doubt.
I remove my glasses and rub my eyes, and as I’m in the process of doing so, I realize I’m mirroring my dad.
“Dad, I know you’re happy. I’ll admit I had misgivings about you getting married, but I was obviously wrong.”
“So it was Nora’s idea?” he asks with a ragged sigh. “I was afraid of that. Moira would never say this out loud, but it hurts that Nora still doesn’t trust her judgment.”
“What do you mean?”
“It all comes back to that fool she was married to for all those years,” he says with a huff.
“I can still destroy his credit, if you change his mind,” I offer, just as I did after my dad and Mrs. Applebaum-Peebles first got together.
He smiles wryly. “Oh, he did a good enough job of destroying his own life.” He cocks his head. “And I got his wife. If he were even halfway intelligent, he’d know what a loss that is. But Moira is convinced Nora doesn’t trust her judgment because she stayed with him for so long.” He pauses for a long sip of his coffee, then says, “And she’s worried Nora will never be in a normal relationship because of what happened. I keep telling her it’s never too late to change. Look at me! But parents worry.”
I take a sip of my own coffee to avoid responding. Frankly, I have absolutelyno idea what to say.
I suspect he’s right about Nora…and maybe about me too. We don’t trust relationships, because we had front-row seats to the implosion of theirs.
And yet…
I may not have gone to Apple Ridge intending to spy on my father, but Ididsee him there. I saw him and his wife standing together without realizing they had an audience from home. And the love between them was obvious. It had made something else apparent to me too. My parents had never felt any true love for each other. Their relationship had been about expediency—about settling, to be perfectly honest.
Lately I’ve taken notice of the other couples in my life too. The other guys in the band, Liam and Briar, and Dottie and Bear. No one could say their feelings for each other are weak or tenuous. They have strong bonds.
It’s challenged my thinking on everything.
I want to tell my father the truth, to lay everything out for him. But it would be a betrayal of Nora to do so without her express permission. He would inevitably tell his wife. He should tell her, even.
“Cormac?” my father prompts, bringing me back to the present moment. “Are you quite all right?”
“Kenji wants me to move to California with him,” I blurt. “You know, to work on our nonprofit foundation. We’ve been talking about it for a while now.”
I hadn’t meant to say it. Hadn’t really thought about it much at all, but it seemed like a better idea than admitting I’ve been having sex with his stepdaughter.
“Oh,” he says, sitting even further upright, which should have been an impossibility. “And will you go?”
“I don’t want to,” I admit. “But I’m going out there for a while next week, so I guess I’ll entertain the possibility.”
Because if Nora doesn’t want me—if she rejects me—there’s no fucking way I can stay here.
I love my life in Asheville. I love Garbage Fire, my sagging, too-old house, and Ring Your Bell Boxing Gym. I love my father. But I can’t have any of them anymore if I can’t have her. I know it would break me to be here but not be with her.
