“I probably would have done anything you asked me to.”
To my horror, I feel hot tears pressing against my eyes.
“I have to leave,” I say, my tone firmer. “I have to go.”
I tear my wrist away, and he lets me. “All right. Do what you have to do. I’ll see you on Thursday.”
“You’re still coming?” I ask in disbelief.
“Like I said, I’d probably do anything you asked.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I can’t…” Tears try to reassert themselves, coming threateningly close to the surface, but I push them back. “Something’s wrong with me. I don’t know how to be in a real relationship. I’m fucked up.”
He gives me a sad smile. “We’re all fucked up.”
“I can’t…” I take a deep gulp of air. “I can’t let myself be like her, Cormac.” The tears finally start to fall. “I won’t let someone tear me apart. I won’t let a man decide what my life is going to look like. I’m not going to sit around waiting, not knowing when he’s coming back.”
I don’t say the other words. The ones that have infected me for years: I’m afraid I’m more like him than her. That if I tried being with Cormac, really being with him,Imight be the one who tears him apart—slowly and agonizingly.
I could never live with myself if I did that to him, if I broke someone with a beautiful soul, piece by piece.
“I wouldn’t want you to do any of that,” he says, his voice soft. “But aren’t you already letting a man tear your life apart? Everything you’ve done lately has revolved around José.”
My eyes widen, and my heart feels like it’s both too big and too small. I’m speechless.
I know I should respond. I want to tell him he’s wrong,dead wrong, but I can’t say anything. I just stare into his bottomless gray eyes and feel myself falling apart.
Because he’s totally right.
It feels like I’ve been suspended over a precipice for the past year.
I can’t remember when I last felt safe.
I can’t remember not feeling like I had to be vigilant to keep my whole world from collapsing.
He steps toward me. I want him to touch me. I can’t bear how much I want it. But for a moment, just a moment, I lean inand let him wrap his arms around me, his embrace tight and full of his crisp, familiar scent. It feels so good, I can’t stand it.
I let myself feel his comfort until a sob rips out of me, and then I push him away and run out the door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CORMAC
THE FAIRY GODMOTHERS GROUP CHAT
Ann: How’d that ice cream work out for you?
Me: Haven’t gotten to it yet.
Ann: What in tarnation have you been waiting for, son? It’s been days, and there’s a heat wave going on.
It’s Friday night, and I’m at the boxing gym with Liam and Mick.
Nora sent me a single text after leaving the other night—You don’t need to do this. I’m sorry. I should never have asked. I need some space to think about everything—andhasn’t responded to any of the follow-up texts I’ve sent her over the last several days.
