I jog the last few steps, and when I get to her office door, I wipe my sweaty hands on my shorts and knock.
“Go the fuck away.”
The relief that washes through me is probably preposterous, given this rather unpromising opening. Then again, she must think I’m José, and if she’s annoyed with him, then they probably weren’t violently making out seconds ago.
“It’s me,” I say. “Cormac. Your?—”
The door opens.
“I know who you are.” She obviously wouldn’t thank me for saying so, but she looks tired. Her eyes are heavy and a little swollen. She’s still beautiful, of course. And I can’t help but reach out and cup her cheek.
“Actually, maybe I shouldn’t touch you. I’ve heard I have a stomach virus. José seemed concerned I’d infect everyone in the building.”
She looks past me and then pulls me inside the office, shutting us in together.
For a moment, we only look at each other, a desperate yearning filling me as I take in the details of her. Her slightly rumpled black dress, her red lipstick, her nose freckles, her scent of ginger…
I want to take her into my arms. I want to kiss her and tell her everything is going to be okay. Even the things that clearly are not.
I’ve never wanted to comfort a person as much as I want to comfort her, but I also know her. She doesn’t want to need comfort from anyone.
Then we both say it at the same time.
“I’msorry.”
“Why the fuck areyousorry?” she asks in a burst of words, pressing her hand to my chest. “You were right. I’ve been acting like an idiot, but I don’t know how to stop.” She laughs bitterly. “It’s just…if José loses the brewery, so do I. He’s the main investor, and I can’t afford to buy him out, so maybe I’m being selfish and I was just telling myself I was doing this for him so I’d feel better about it. I…I don’t want him to be with Pansy, because she’s not good for him, but I also don’t want to lose everything.”
“I didn’t know.”
She picks at her cuticles as if she wants to tear them off. I take her hand in mine, needing to stop her, and she looks up wildly. “I didn’t want you to know. You already think badly enough of me.”
“What makes you think that?” I ask in genuine surprise. Did I not tell her that I would do anything for her?
“You’re a good person,” she says, her voice shaking a little as she pulls her hand free. “Of course you think badly of bad people.”
I lift my hand to her face again, brushing hair behind her ear. “Don’t talk about my girlfriend like that.”
She gives me a tremulous smile. “You don’t have to keep doing this. I’ll figure out another way. I’ll get in touch with those guys myself?—”
“I already did. Didn’t you get my text?”
The sadness in her eyes is killing me.
“I can’t be your real girlfriend. I meant what I said. I don’t know how to do this. José was right about me. What he said at the wedding, I mean.”
I brush my thumb over her full lip. “You’re perfect, exactly as you are. Besides, you don’t need to be my girlfriend. You don’t need to be my anything. But you should know that I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” she says, her voice agonized, as if she truly believes she’s some kind of disease.
I can’t comprehend how she can feel that way about herself, even for a moment.
I can’t comprehend how anyone could feel that way about her.
I think of what Pansy said on the dreadful double date and feel a renewed fire. “The only time you ever hurt me was when you gave me a fictional stomach virus.”
“Your science project?—”
I smile at her and brush her lip again. “Nora, it was twelve years ago. Don’t you think it’s time for you to get over it?”
