“You cannot keep doing this, Rian. I will not be your consolation prize or a tool for your own self-flagellation. You need to decide; let me in or let me go,” she insisted.
I took a moment to breathe through the upheaval of emotion that her demand unleashed. Anger. Fear. Sorrow. Normally, I would walk away from such a conversation that made me feel so keenly because it was dangerous! The only reason my shadows were not bleeding out of me was because they were too depleted after the fight with the Sylvan to rise to the provocation.
My hand rose and gently slipped around her jaw to tilt her face back toward me. She tried to resist, but I slowly increased the strength in my grip until she finally relented and turned to glare up at me in heartache and confusion. That was such an achingly familiar expression, and it was exactly the sort of anguish I had been afraid of inflicting upon her. I could never seem to help disappointing the people who just wanted to be close to me.
“You are not a consolation prize—” I tried to tell her.
“Am I not?” she interrupted angrily. “You have made it very clear in the last two weeks that you don’t actually want me here. The only reason you would keep me near is because you cannot stand the idea of losing something that belongs to you. Even if my presence is a reminder of how you think you fail everyone around you.”
I was taken aback by her denunciation that sliced right down to all my deepest and darkest fears and insecurities. But it was clear she had not seen all my secrets.
“I don’t know what I want!” I told her more sharply than intended. “You asked me to try, and Iamtrying.”
“Then you will need to try harder, Rian!” she shouted, slapping my hand away from her face as she tried to sit up and move away from me. But she hissed in pain and instantly hunched over with her head in her hands.
“Stop. Just stop,” I pleaded as I cupped her jaw again. With the Hunt so depleted, and nothing in my vicinity for me to channel safely, all I could offer her were the final drops I had left of Ornella’s magic. It wasn’t much, but it still made Nuala sigh as her pain was eased, and it also soothed the rawness of my power too.
I wanted to walk away from the witch, but I needed to stay close to her, and the internal conflict was a torment. But it was the latter need that won because just having my hands on her again finally soothed the frantic thrum under my skin. The pulse of urgency that had ignited under my skin after she first kissed me.
I pulled her into my chest before I could overthink it and tucked her head under my chin the way I had after she destroyed her coven. Her lavender and rain scent was like a drug that only made the urge to lose myself in that soft mouth and sharp tongue even more undeniable.
Gods damn her! She was already deep under my skin, and I had no idea how or when it happened. And as much as I might want to deny it, I knew that removing her now would only rip out vital pieces of me with her. It made me resent her, but it also made me hate myself for not having the courage to embrace the part of me that cravedmore. More than sex. More than the meaningless entertainment. More than the distractions and the godsdamned numbness to which I had condemned myself. A self-imposed cage that made me as much a prisonerof my own conscience and power as she had ever been in that coven.
After a moment, Nuala pushed away and looked up at me again with those tormented eyes.
“You can hold me like that, but I am not permitted to even touch you?” she verified in confusion.
Her hand was freezing cold as I took it and raised it to my cheek, so I covered it with mine and allowed my fire magic to gently warm her skin.
“I already told you that what you want from me is not something I have ever been able to give someone before. But you asked me to try, and I dowantto,” I admitted.
Her icy gaze softened and flickered over my face like she was looking for proof of my sincerity. Then she raised her other hand to cup my face with both thumbs tracing my cheekbones while she stared up into my eyes. My first instinct was to pull away from someone looking at me that closely, but I made myself bear her scrutiny.
“But you are still too afraid of failure to tryproperly,” Nuala observed soberly, and her words were like a slap. “Rian, we have hardly spoken the last two weeks because you are avoiding me, and it has beenhellon my heart,” she declared when I frowned at her.
I was initially infuriated that she could dismiss how unfair this situation was for me. I’d never wanted a mate! I’d never asked to beinflictedwith the utter madness that was this relationship. And the only reason we were even at this painful impasse was because shelied. Had she just told me the truth, then I could have sent her away before this bond got its claws into either of us.
I opened my mouth impulsively to remind her of that, but then I remembered that sending her away would have only spared my pain. She still would have spent most of her life waiting for me in that prison only to be cast aside before I’d bothered to know anything about her. It did not excuse her for withholding my choice, but I understood why she had. She’donly wanted to give us the chance that I would have denied us without a second thought.
Besides, it was not as if I were blameless.
Ciaran was right; there had been a part of me from the beginning that was drawn to Nuala. It was unheard of for me to take personal interest in a new recruit, even if they were a particularly valuable asset. Carrick encouraged me to care for her myself because she trusted me, but I did not need to accept his suggestion. I’d known I would be an unfit guardian and caretaker for her, and that it would be best to assign her to a trusted handler. And yet the mere thought of anyone else caring for her had been out of the question. I could tell myself that it was Carrick who convinced me it was best for her, but I’dwantedto keep her close to me from the second I lifted her into my arms. And that was not her doing. It wasmydecision.
Nuala saw the conflict in my face and shifted closer, her thumbs running tenderly over my cheekbones again.
“Please talk to me, Rian. You don’t have to struggle with this all on your own.Please.I don’t want to do it all alone either,” she admitted with a hitch in her tone.
She let me lower my head so I did not have to face her, but her hands stayed locked with mine as they lowered to rest on her thighs.
“It is not my desire to cause you pain. I just… I fear it is inevitable. It is what I do,” I admitted softly.
She released a breath and then let her forehead rest against mine. “You don’t want me to leave you?”
“No,” I said immediately, my hand tightening on hers. While I might not know exactly what I wanted from her, this I knew for certain. I didnotwant her to leave.
“Why not?” she breathed like she needed to hear this from me more than she needed her next breath.
I was silent for a moment as I tried to decide how best to put all my chaotic thoughts and emotions into words. Carrick usually had to pry my thoughts and feelings out of me, but withmy magic depleted and her waiting with bated breath, I wanted to unburden myself. Ineededto. Because I really was tired of being so completely alone, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I might be able to share myself without endangering someone.
