She shifts and puts her mug down, only to pick up a few of her braids to fiddle with instead. “Just that maybe it'll be good for you to take some time to look at what you were willing to overlook just to be with someone.”
I feel a crease forming between my eyebrows. “Willing to overlook?” I ask.
“Think about it, Jaz. You told me you were feeling lonely a couple of times and then jumped at the first guy you started hanging out with.” She holds her hand up in a placating manner when she sees the hurt expression on my face. “I'm not saying this to upset you. Or even saying that Cam wasn't someone special to you. But you admitted last night that you knew he had an incident after drinking and driving, and yet you acted as if it never happened. You kept a lot of things about him to yourself, and I don't think you would have if you didn't think we would have said something about it.”
I go to protest. To deny what she said. But as I ponder on it some more, I know she's completely right. I was so desperate for a friend – for someone to love – that I let my heart lead me to a man that held red flags right out in front of him from the beginning, and I was happy to ignore them.
My eyes well up with tears, and I feel one break free, trickling down my cheek. Tanisha immediately gets up and squishes herself into the single chair I'm in, pulling my head onto her shoulder. “I'm sorry, Jaz. I didn't mean to make you cry. I know you've been through a lot already.”
She tsks, rubbing a hand up and down my arm.
“So, ah, I feel like that might've been my fault.” We both look up to see Graham walking into her living room, looking contrite as ever as he takes a seat on the couch Tanisha just vacated. “I know I was bugging her about meeting someone when she first moved there. I should have just let her be.”
“There you go, sweetie. It's his fault,” Tanisha murmurs in my ear, causing me to let out a watery chuckle. I can't say I never thought about Graham saying that to me a time or two, but it didn't push me to be with Cam.
Graham picks up a cushion and threatens to throw it at her, but she stops him with a death glare and points at Travis, asleep in my arms next to her. I start wondering when these two got to be so close, but then Travis starts squirming in my arms. I shift him higher and pat his back while trying to shush him back to sleep. Thankfully, he quiets down because I'm not ready to hand him back yet.
“I do think he loves you,” Graham says, continuing the conversation from before. “So maybe,hopefully, he'll make some changes.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek, staring out the window off to the side at nothing in particular. Cam never told me that he loved me. He did act like it sometimes, and I thought I felt it from him, but now I'm thinking that maybe it was all aboutneed. He told me that often enough – that he needed me, and I melted every single time I heard it. But that's not enough to sustain a relationship.
“I wish you didn't have to go,” Tanisha says with a sigh from beside me.
“Me, too,” I mumble, resting my head on her shoulder again. “But I have to get back to work tomorrow.”
“I filled your car with gas and got you some snacks for the drive,” Graham tells me. He drove behind me in his own car and will be staying here for a little while since he was in the city with me for two weeks longer than anticipated. “Are you sure you'll be alright?”
“Yes. Thanks, Gray. I appreciate it.”
I know he told Cam where we were that night at the restaurant in a misguided attempt at getting us to sort things out. And although I wasn't too happy with him about that, he's been so good to me, and I don't know how I would have gotten through everything without him.
Now, I guess I'm going to try and do what Tanisha said and take time to reflect, on my own. It'll be hard, though.
I keep picturing the half-smirk Cam would always give me. I imagine feeling the warmth of his arms around me. And sometimes, in my half-asleep state, I'll reach for him before reality comes rushing in.
I miss him.
Letting go of someone you still love makes it that much harder.
An hour later, I'm behind the wheel, waving goodbye to Tanisha and Graham with a heavy heart as I drive off down the street . . . back to my empty apartment.
I start and end the trip with “Three Little Birds,” playing other songs that remind me of Cam in between.
“Every little thing is gonna be alright.”
As soon as I get home, I text both Graham and Tanisha to let them know I made it safely, and then spend about thirty seconds with my finger hovering over Campbell's name, tempted to reach out to him and see how he's doing.
I haven't heard from him at all since he came to the restaurant, and I left him on the sidewalk looking devastated. There have been no phone calls or texts, no attempts to see me at my apartment or the hospital. That has been like a constant hum of concern buzzing in the back of my mind on top of everything else.
Finally walking into my building, I offer a wave to Samson. “How are you doing this evening?”
He smiles with a tip of his head. “Doing just fine, thank you. How was your trip?”
“It was nice to see my friends again.”
“I bet. Do you want me to carry your bag?” he asks, gesturing to the duffel bag slung over my shoulder.
“That's okay. It's not heavy.” I reach out and pat his arm before continuing on. “Thank you, though.”
