But I couldn’t. Because survival meant defiance. And defiance meant losing him.
You can’t have both.
I sank down onto the edge of the bed, my hands shaking as I buried my face in them. The scent of him was everywhere. On the sheets, on the pillow, on my own skin. A constant reminder of what I had just destroyed.
“Fuck,” I whispered into my palms. “Fuck, fuck,fuck.”
And then the guilt hit.
It started as a whisper in the back of my mind, but it grew louder with every passing second until it was a roar I couldn’t ignore.
Eros.Eros had been hurt. Shot. Maybe killed. And it was because of information I refused to give. I didn’t know all the details. Morpheus hadn’t spelled it out, and Nano had been too focused on dragging me upstairs to explain, but I heard enough. Enough to know that the attack at Diamond Creek wasn’t random. ThatMichaelhad orchestrated it. That he paidsomeone to make sure FIRE didn’t survive. And Firestride wasn’t the only one who had been hurt.
Eros. Indigo. Ravage.
Brothers. Family.
Myfamily, in a twisted, fucked-up way. Because even though I wasn’t God of Mayhem or Brotherhood, I knew these men. I had grown up around men like them. I understood the code. The loyalty. The blood bonds that ran deeper than anything else. And I had done nothing to help them.
I could have told Morpheus everything. Could have given him Michael’s name, his address, every detail I remembered about the man who abused me and orchestrated an attack that nearly killed people I respected.
But I hadn’t because I was too busy trying to save my own skin.
You’re worthless.
The thought settled into my bones like ice, cold and absolute.
You’re worthless, and you know it. You’ve always known it.
I thought about Eros. The way he always snuck me candy after Oscar yelled at me. The way he helped me with my homework, when no one else would, or when he was there to bail me out of jail after I got into a fight at school. Eros never judged me. Never tried to make me into something I wasn’t. He was just there for me, when I thought the world was on my shoulders, and I let him get hurt.
I letallof them get hurt because I was too scared to give up the one piece of leverage I had left.
Selfish. Cowardly. Worthless.
The words circled in my head like vultures, picking apart what little remained of my self-respect. Nothing I said or did now would fix this. I knew that. I played my cards one too many times, and the game was over. Eventually, someone would comeand get me. Morpheus would send Carver or Cerberus or one of the other officers, and they would drag me back downstairs.
And this time, they would kill me.
No more chances. No more negotiations. No more Nano standing between me and a bullet.
This is how it ends.
I didn’t know how long I sat there, staring at the floor, waiting for the inevitable. Time had lost all meaning. The light outside hadn’t changed. The clubhouse below was silent. Or maybe I just couldn’t hear it anymore over the roar of my own thoughts.
And then the door slammed open.
I jerked upright, my heart leaping into my throat as Carver filled the doorway. His expression was cold, clinical, the way it always was. Like he was looking at a specimen under a microscope instead of a person. “Let’s go,” he said, his voice flat and emotionless.
I slowly backed toward the wall, my spine hitting the cold surface as I shook my head. “Where?”
Carver’s lips curved into something that might have been a smile if it had reached his eyes. “Morpheus wants to talk to you.”
No. No, no, no!
“Where’s Nano?” My question came out desperate, broken, and I hated how weak I sounded.
Carver’s expression didn’t change. “What do you care?”
