I closed my eyes again, feeling the tears slip down my cheeks and soak into the pillow.
“I don’t know what happens next,” I said.
“Neither did I,” Kyllian said quietly. “When I chose Firestride, I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn’t know about the violence, or the danger, or the nights I would spend wondering if he was going to come home alive. I didn’t know about the fear or the jealousy or the moments when I’d hate him so much I couldn’t breathe.”
She paused.
“But I also didn’t know about the moments when he’d hold me like I was the only thing in the world that mattered,” she continued. “I didn’t know about the way he’d look at me like I was his entire reason for existing. I didn’t know about the safety I’d feel when he wrapped his arms around me and told me nothing would ever hurt me again.”
Her voice softened.
“Loving a Bastard is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” she admitted. “But it’s also the best thing. Because it’s real. It’s honest. And it doesn’t pretend to be anything other than what it is.”
I opened my eyes, staring at that crack again.
“What if I can’t do it?” I whispered.
“Then you leave,” Kyllian said simply. “You walk out that door and you don’t look back. And no one will stop you.”
I turned my head to look at her fully now.
She met my gaze, her green eyes steady.
“But if you stay,” she said quietly, “you have to own it. You have to stop fighting yourself. You have to accept that this is what you chose. Not because you’re weak, not because you’re broken, but because this is where you belong.”
“I don’t know if I belong here,” I murmured.
“Then figure it out,” Kyllian said. “But don’t do it for Nano. Don’t do it for the Brotherhood. Do it for yourself. Because you deserve to know who you are and what you want.”
She stood, smoothing her hands over her jeans.
“The water’s on the nightstand,” she said. “So are the crackers. Eat something. Drink something. Take a shower. And then decide what you’re going to do next.”
She walked toward the door, her footsteps soft against the floor.
“Kyllian.”
She stopped, turning back to look at me.
“How did you know?” I asked quietly. “How did you know Firestride was worth it?”
She smiled. A small, sad, but genuine.
“Because even on the worst days,” she said, “I’d rather be broken with him than whole without him.” And then she was gone. The door clicked shut behind her, and I was alone again.
I stared at the ceiling now, instead of the wall. The light had shifted. The slant was different. Time was still moving, even if I wasn’t.
Even on the worst days, I’d rather be broken with him than whole without him.
I didn’t know if I believed that. Didn’t know if I could. But for the first time in two days, I felt something other than emptiness.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Nano
The knock on the church door was soft. Gentle, even. The kind of knock that didn’t belong in a room where we discussed blood and territory and revenge. Everyone turned as Kyllian pushed the door open just enough to slip her head inside, her blonde hair catching the overhead light. Her face was solemn, her green eyes carefully neutral as they swept the room.
She didn’t look at me.
