“And what did you say?”
I closed my eyes, shame burning through me. “I told him it was just sex. I told him to leave.”
“Jesus Christ, Alex.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” He stood up, pacing to the window, his hands clenched into fists. “Do you have any idea what that man has been through because of you? WhatI’vebeen through?”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.” He turned to face me, his expression hard. “You don’t know what it was like watching him break you in that basement. You don’t know what it was like sitting there, tied to a fucking chair, while Morpheus threatened to kill one of us if you didn’t talk.”
Guilt twisted in my chest, sharp and vicious. “Oscar.”
“You don’t know what it was like watching him turn his back on you,” Oscar continued, his voice rough. “Watching him walk away and knowing it was killing him. And then you run. You steal my bike and yourun, and I don’t hear from you for two months.”
“I’m sorry.”
“And now you’re telling me he found you. He told you he loved you. And you pushed him away.”
“I was scared!” The words burst out of me, raw and desperate. “I was fucking terrified, okay? He broke me, Oscar. He destroyed me. And then he walked away like I meant nothing, and I...” My voice cracked. “I couldn’t survive him doing that again.”
Oscar stared at me for a long moment. Then he sat back down on the bed, his shoulders sagging. “So you did it first.”
“What?”
“You pushed him away before he could push you away.” He shook his head. “That’s what you do, Alex. You run before anyone can hurt you. You’ve been doing it your whole life since Mom and Dad died. To me, to everyone here, to Nano. You run when things get too real. Somehow, you’ve got it in your fucking head that if you don’t get close, no one can hurt you.”
The truth of it hit me like a punch to the gut.
“I don’t know how to stop,” I whispered.
“Then figure it the fuck out.” His voice was firm, but not unkind. “Because running clearly isn’t working anymore. It’s making you, Nano, me, and everyone else miserable.”
I looked down at my hands, my vision blurring with tears. “I love him.”
“I know.”
“I love him, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Oscar reached out, his hand covering mine. “You stop running,” he said quietly. “You stop lying to yourself. And you figure out if loving him is worth the risk.”
“What if it’s not?”
“What if it is?”
I met his gaze, and for the first time in days, I felt something other than fear.
Hope.
Terrifying, fragile, impossible hope.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I admitted.
“Yeah, you can.” Oscar squeezed my hand. “You’re the strongest person I know, Alex. You just forgot it for a while.”
I closed my eyes, letting his words sink in. Letting myself believe them.
