I shifted in the chair, feeling too big for my skin. “I keep thinking about the hospital. About how he looked at me.”
Jordan didn’t fill the pause. He never did. It made the truth spill out faster. The pressure couldn’t escape otherwise.
“It wasn’t anger,” I said. “It wasn’t disappointment. Not the way you’d expect. It was fear. He was afraid of me.” Or maybe afraidforme?
Jordan’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “What made you think he was afraid?”
“He said I scared him.”
The words tasted like metal.
“He said watching me fall apart, watching me ignore everything about my health, overwork myself, refuse to rest, scared him. Because he’s seen it before. And he thought… he thought it would kill me eventually.”
Jordan nodded, not surprised. Not condemning either. “Did you believe him?”
I rubbed the back of my neck, suddenly aware of every knot along my spine. “Yeah. I did.”
“And why did that scare you?”
I hesitated. Not because I didn’t know the answer, but because saying it out loud felt like putting my hands on a live wire.
“Because I promised him I’d do better,” I said. “I promised I’d slow down. I promised I’d take care of myself so he didn’t have to worry.”
“And?”
“I didn’t.”
Jordan waited.
“I didn’t even try,” I admitted, voice breaking. “I didn’t even think about it. I just… kept going. Full speed. Like if I stopped, something awful would happen.”
“What awful thing?”
I laughed, a tired, humorless sound. “That I’d fail someone.”
Jordan leaned forward slightly. “Who were you trying to save, Adrian?”
I looked away. At the bookshelf, the window, anywhere but him. “Everyone. My patients. My staff. Eli. Myself, I guess, if you could call it that.”
“And what happens when you’re trying to save everyone?”
“I lose him,” I whispered.
Jordan didn’t correct me. Didn’t tell me I was catastrophizing, or projecting, or being dramatic.
“Tell me about the disappointment,” he said instead.
I swallowed hard. “He didn’t say the words. But I could feel it. Not because I messed up, but because I didn’t even see I was messing up. He just… lay there in that bed, recovering, and he had to watch me burn myself out for him. Again.”
“And what did that make you feel?”
“Like an idiot,” I said. “Like a selfish bastard. Like the guy who was supposed to protect him turned into the one hurting him.”
Jordan’s pen tapped softly. “Do you think you owe him something now?”
“I owe him everything,” I said instantly.
“No,” Jordan said quietly. “Not everything. But you owe him change.”
