“I get the feeling that she feels the same. I catch her looking at me sometimes when we’re relaxing in a hotel room, just being in each other’s company. She looks at me like I’m the sun after she’s escaped from decades in some darkened cave. It’s with complete wonder. All we do is talk, sometimes watch a show, school level making out.” Jade noticed Cleo’s quirked eyebrow and smirk of disbelief, “I mean, her dad’s always in theneighboring room so we alwaysbehave,because that’snothow we want him to find out about us.”
Jade let out a frustrated sigh.
“Is that part of the problem?” Ivy asked gently after Jade had been silent for a while.
“It’s not that we’ve been together this long and not done anything particularly intimate. Which I know you’re not believing and given my past I don’t blame you for thinking that. I’m very much aware of the reputation I earned. It’s more that we spend most of our timehiding. We had our first date before I knew who she was. Given the time of the day everything was so easy because nobody was around and there were no eyes to see us.” Jade twisted her mouth to the side as she rubbed the back of her neck in thought.
“Our second date was picking the dress for her best friend’s wedding then we went for lunch. The shop was fine. She was more worried about picking the right dress than anything else. But at the restaurant?” Jade paused, remembering what had happened. “We were sitting in a dark booth, very few customers, the waiters were giving us lots of space. Nobody was really around. She sat her hand close to mine and pulled a face making it very clear she wanted me to take her hand in mine. She’snotsubtle.” Jade sniggered before the memory caused her face to fall. “Yet, as soon as my hand wrapped around hers, the sheer look of terrified panic on her face was enough to completely shatter me.”
Jade took another drink of water to give herself a minute to regroup.
“I gave her hand a light squeeze before I let it go, so she knew I understood, and then started talking about something else to help her relax. I always reassure her that everything is happening onhertimeline. I don’t want to be one of those people who rush someone out of the closet for their owncomfort. I need her to know that that’s not who I am. We talk about it regularly, whether it’s tucked away in the various hotel rooms, or out grabbing some air together to escape those four walls for a beautiful but stressful hour.” Jade drifted off for another few minutes, her forehead furrowing enough to start a headache.
“But...?” Cleo encouraged.
Jade let out a sigh before asking the real questions that had been burning themselves into her very soul over the past few weeks.
“But I can’t help but wonder, given the uncertainty of whatever impact coming out could have on her career, will she ever do it? Or will we spend our entire relationship hiding in hotel rooms until she no longer plays professionally, which might not be for another eight years or more? I’ve been out for over a decade; do Iwantto go back into the closet for that long? Will she hide me when attending events? Will I have to tell family and friends that I’m not seeing anyone when I get invites to parties and weddings, when the whole time, we’re the absolute other halves of the same heart and soul?” Jade dragged her open hand down her face and let her head drop.
“Or the real question that you’re terrified to ask?” Ivy sadly looked at Jade.
Jade looked up, eyes glistening, and let out another sigh before adding in a small voice.
“Will she ever feel like I’m good enough for her to want to risk coming out?”
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. Her eyes dropped to the frayed edge of her cotton shorts, encouraging her fingers to play with a loose thread as a distraction.
When she eventually felt up to it, she lifted her head and saw Ivy curled into Cleo, her head rested on Cleo’s shoulder. Cleo turned and brushed a tender kiss on her future wife’s temple.
“Jade,” Ivy began, “you know that I never had a relationship before your sister, and that my coming out was about as negative an experience as you can get.” Jade nodded and fought the urge to look away from the screen. She needed to hear this, and she needed to make sure she took in every word. “That being said, while I lost all that I had at the time when I came out, April has an awful lot more to lose than I did. She’s in the public eye. As much as she manages to keep her life as private as possible, coming out will make her extremely vulnerable. Not just personally either. She’s not just risking losing her family. She could lose sponsors; that’s steady income to support her if her family turns against her. Her Dad is her manager. If he turns against her, life will be very difficult to navigate for a while. If she gets negative backlash from her competitors, that makes training venues and locker rooms very challenging places for her to be that she has no option to avoid.”
Jade knew Ivy was right; she slowly nodded as she acknowledged each point.
“That being said,” Ivy continued, “you have to decide a few things yourself. If she chooses to come out, are you willing to be by her side through all of that, and possibly more? Because if the media find out that you’re her partner, it will put your life under that same microscope hers will also be under. Are you ready to handle that?”
Jade thought about what Ivy had said. It was a few minutes of quiet contemplation before Cleo spoke.
“If the answer to all those points is yes, then it really all comes down to one very simple question: is she worth being patient for?” Cleo’s eyes conveyed the warmth and reassurance that Jade had grown to expect from her older sister. They also included a look that said, ‘I know you love her, stop stressing and give your girl some time’.
Jade smiled softly at the thought of April’s beautiful face, those icy blues and the way her whole face softened when she wore those blonde ringlets down around her shoulders. She pictured her smile and could clearly see the look she made right before she rolled her eyes at one of Jade’s comments. She could hear her laugh at a joke, and how it was a different tone to the chuckle she had when their lips were barely a breath apart after she put Jade in her place over some dumb comment she’d made seconds before.
“Yes,” Jade admitted, “she’smorethan worth it.”
Chapter 29
April
She would not freak out. She would not freak out. She would not...too late. She was absolutely freaking out!
April was officially meeting the parents. Jade’s parents. Her partner’s parents. Although she was currently sitting in her car, parked in an outdoor retail park where she was about to get into Jade’s car. To go meet her parents.
Her own parents were under the impression that she was at Dani’s that night. It had been Dani’s idea following April’s revelation about her relationship with Jade. Swiftly followed by her announcement about meeting Jade’s parents. Her siblings. Their partners. And kids.I am absolutely going to throw up.
She saw Jade pull up in a space across from her and smile. She turned her car off and was out and opening April’s car door before April even realized what was happening.
“Hey,” Jade said softly through a warm smile, her hand resting on the top of the door, and April could tell she was holding back the urge to reach out and take April’s hand or lean down and kiss her.
Shehatedasking so much of Jade. She wished she wasn’t so afraid to just be open with her affection toward her partner. She just couldn’t. Not yet.
