True, she’d never expected it to happen, but the wish had been there. Since she could remember. Since she was a child.
Created for Castor. An extension of Castor. Now, who was she? The angel who was such a defective half of her pairing that she hadn’t evendiedwith him? Everyone was too preoccupied with rebuilding at present, but soon, they would notice her and wonder…
Why was she still there?
In Lila’s heavier moments, she thought the honorable thing, therightthing, to do would be to leap into the Void like she’d always wanted. But for the first time, she didn’t want that at all. Sherefusedto join Castor indeath. Shechoseto leave him alone, for however longdeathlasted. No matter whatdeathmade him endure. Did that make her a horrible angel? Was she a horrible angel for thinking of herself, of Castor, of any of her own problems at such a time?
But everyone wanted to console her; they wanted her tomourn.Castor was a casualty of the rebels’ agenda, so all of Heaven painted him a martyr.
Damn them.
They hadn’t known Castor like she had. They hadn’t lived with him for an aeon, crammed into this very room, being a butt for his jokes and a handfor his labors and a bauble for his finger and a toy for his pleasure. He hadn’t deserved to get snuffed out of existence. He hadn’t beenthat badof an angel. But he hadn’t been good. Not to her. She didn’t know what to do with that, so she sat on the bed, taking in the home that had been her cage.
Suddenly, the front door creaked, then swung open, and Beni stood on the other side of the doorway, blinking at Lila in surprise.
She stared at him with an equal amount of shock, not having seen him since…since they were in the courtyard, with Castor’s dead body between them.
“What thefuck,Lila?” Beni snapped, his expression souring.
Lila rose from the bed.
“I’m sorry?”
“You ought to be.”
Lila frowned, taken aback by his tone. In all the time she’d known him, which was basically his whole existence, he’d never once snapped at her. He never snapped at anyone.
“I ought to bewhat?” she asked, careful and even.
“Dead,” he spat. “Lost. Gone. Whatever it is they’re calling it. What the fuck, Lila? You were supposed to take care of him, and now he’s…” Beni clenched his fists; his chest heaved. The pain in his eyes mirrored Eva’s, and Lila glanced at Castor’s cloak on the bed.
Abruptly, she understood. Beni had been coming there. Maybe he’d been sleeping there. That was why Castor’s things were strewn about in a manner he never would have left them in.
“You loved him,” Lila mumbled, a thought that had always tugged at her breaking free.
“Well, somebody had to.”
“That’s not fair. I took care of Castor every moment of my existence.”
“Yeah, and you despised every moment of it.”
Lila flushed, hating that she’d been that obvious, but not quite apologetic.
“Does that matter now? Is this really what you want to talk about?” Heading for the door, she tried to squeeze past the wall of Beni’s body. “Look, I’ll leave you to?—”
“Fuck you, Lila.” Beni lowered his face to hers and seethed, “You’re a fucked up angel.” His brown eyes bore into hers, accusing her of everything she’d been accusing herself of since the beginning of her beginning.
Lila glared right back, and for once, she hated what she saw.
She liked Beni. She’d always considered him a friend, even if he couldn’t see Castor for what he truly was. But Beni didn’t understand what it was like to be her. None of the other angels did, and yet, they dared to judge her. How dare they tell her she was wrong, and weird, andfucked up.
How dare they tell her she should bedead.
“Fuck you,” she breathed, and Beni’s scowl deepened.
“Come again?” His tone made her flinch—she’d never seen him so angry—but she stood her ground. Forcing herself to hold his gaze, she stared her guilt in the face.
“Whatever Castor was to you,” she began, her voice shaky but audible enough, “however he was when he was with you…he wasn’t that for me. Castor always wanted to break me, and he couldn’t. And he couldn’tstandit. I’m sorry you’re hurting”—Lila stepped back from the door—“but this is my house.” She swallowed, stuffing her hands in her robe pockets. Finding Luc’s architect pin at the bottom of one pocket, she pressed its needle point into her palm. “Get outof my house,” she ordered.
