The tension didn’t vanish when he left the room, though. My body still felt wound tight, like a rubber band about to snap. Dad’s expression didn’t change. Didn’t flit to me and didn’t blaze with anger. He stared at the hallway as if he could see straight through the walls, watching Beck go.
And then I noticed something dark still sat on the chair Beck had abandoned. His car keys.
For a second, my brain snagged on it. Beck had forgotten his car keys? I waited a moment, sure he’d haveto awkwardly come back in for them, but he didn’t. Was this his way of forcing me to come after him? Biting down on my lip, I picked them up, squeezing them in my palm before following after him.
When I opened the front door and found Beck still on the porch, I immediately assumed I’d guessed correctly. It’d been some elaborate scheme to get me back outside. But then I froze.
Beck’s back was to the door, and he gripped the metal railing tightly, as if it were the only thing keeping him upright. His head was bowed, and even though his back was turned to me, I could hear the ragged, almost gasping breaths he drew in, as if he hadn’t been breathing the entire time he’d been at the table.
He hadn’t left his car keys on purpose. He’d been so desperate to leave that he hadn’t noticed they weren’t still in his pocket.
I’ve never wanted to explode,Beck had said that night. But I have wanted to disappear.
Back then, I hadn’t understood what he’d meant. Hadn’t thought of his words as a confession. Now, the memory left me hollow. My throat tightened to the point that the next breath I pulled in was a small gasp—one that had Beck’s shoulders tensing.
He didn’t turn. “It’s impolite to eavesdrop,” he said, his voice strangled. Forced.
“You… dropped these.”
Beck straightened slowly and turned around even slower. His eyes latched onto the keys hanging from myfingers, and they hardened. He reached for it, but I didn’t immediately let go. “Drop them, Nell.”
“You’re upset.”
“Drop it, Nell.”
“Why did you even come inside? Why didn’t you just ignore my dad’s offer for a drink and just leave?” And, even though the words burned like acid on my tongue, I added, “You—you brought this on yourself.”
Beck let out a laugh that wasn’t a laugh at all. “I am a glutton for punishment.” His chest had steadied, but those eyes were bright. “As evident byyou.”
I pressed my lips together, letting go of his car keys.
Beck looked at them for a moment, something shifting as the tightness of his spine loosened further. I wondered if he felt like he’d won—or had lost. “Did I perform exactly how you hoped I would? Did I lie just how you wanted me to?”
“I—I didn’t want you to?—”
“You did. Why don’t you ever listen to me, Nell?” His words were exasperated. “You, of all people, can’t hide what you’re thinking.”
People don’t realize how bad they are at hiding what they’re thinking.“And you think you’re so good at it?” At my sides, my hands curled into fists, unwilling to let it go. “Talking back to my dad like that in there—you thinkthatwasn’t obvious?”
A humorless smile touched his mouth. “What was obvious?”
“That something he’d said before hurt you.”
I couldn’t imaginewhatit’d been, though. My dad hadnever been cruel to anyone. Emotionally distant, sure, but never mean. What could he have said to Beck that’d left such a mark?
Beck, like he always did when he felt cornered, changed the subject. “At least I didn’t tell them what came before the fire, huh? I doubt that’d go over well for you.”
Before the fire. Before the shouting, and the sirens, and the shame. When my hand had been in his. When I’d leaned in.
“Why didn’t you?” I demanded, holding my chin high as if that alone could make me feel confident in what I was saying. As if confidence alone could save me. “You could’ve made me look bad in front of my dad, in front of Carter. You could’ve ruined it all then and there. Why didn’t you?”
“Some aces are better kept up your sleeve.” Beck swung his keys around his fingers, and they made a light jingle. “Did it make you uncomfortable? Is it uncomfortable that only you and I know the truth of whatreallyhappened?”
Heat climbed my neck. “You’re better off pretending like it didn’t happen,” I told him. “Other people have forgotten it and moved on. You should, too.”
“Have you?” Beck asked, and I found myself looking at his plush top lip, watching the letters form into words on his mouth. “Have you moved on from ruining my life?”
I flinched from the accusation as if it were a blow I could dodge. I couldn’t, though. It landed square in my chest. “I didn’t ruin your life,” Ithrew back at him, voice savagely strong. False. “You did that all on your own.”
