Chapter Nineteen
Normally, Letty wentto the Fletchers’ at Christmas and there was a big crowd.She still missed her parents all these years later, so Christmas was always a little melancholy for her.But the Fletchers had always included her as family and that helped a lot.But she was dreading this year.
To go and have to pretend everything was fine with her and Riley was going to be torture.Val had asked her—and Riley—to come by that morning but she had declined with a made-up excuse she didn’t think Val bought for a moment.Later in the morning, Val called and said she and Liam had a cold so it was just as well she’d said no.Riley wasn’t going since he didn’t want to get sick and expose Lorraine to it either.
Val asked her if everything was all right and she’d lied and said fine, but she suspected her best friend knew something was up.She doubted Riley would have told her they’d broken up and she didn’t plan to tell anyone until Riley had told his parents.
She’d made a huge mistake.She should never have started anything with Riley in the first place.Letty had thought the two of them could have a fling and then go their own ways, but that had been a supremely stupid idea.Of course she’d fallen for Riley.He was everything she could want in a man.He was smart, kind, loving and not afraid to show it.To his family, to her, to his friends, to all his animals.And if she wasn’t so scared of falling deeply in love with him and losing him, she’d tell him she loved him and wanted to stay together.
But she was scared.It was such a deep-seated fear she couldn’t ignore it.She’d had it since she was seventeen and her parents died in the car accident.When she was younger she’d hoped the fear would go away, but it never had.Counseling hadn’t helped.Nothing had.She was doomed to be alone because she couldn’t risk loving a man and losing him.
Riley was damn near perfect.But she couldn’t risk losing Riley.So she couldn’t fall in love with him.
Except she already had.But she’d get over it.She had to.
There was nothing to do except go to Christmas at the Fletchers’ and pretend she and Riley hadn’t broken up and hope they pulled it off.
*
“I don’t understandwhy you didn’t go get Letty,” Lorraine said to Riley for at least the fifth time.His mom was ensconced on the sofa in the den and had been busy trying to run things from there.She wasn’t having a lot of success.
“She wanted her own car, Mom.”He was trying to be nice but his patience was wearing thin.
“When will she be here?”
“Anytime now.”
“Val sent a video of Vivian from this morning.It’s not as good as seeing her, of course, but it was sweet of her.She says we’re going to video chat later on.”
“Good.I’m sorry they can’t be with us.But we’ll have next year, and Vivian will be old enough to understand what’s going on a little better by then.”
He escaped to the barn to check on the horses.He wished he hadn’t been so hasty in breaking up with Letty.But he couldn’t keep his real feelings to himself for any longer.And as he should have known, Letty had freaked out.
He wasn’t sure why Letty was so set on not falling in love.Or pretending to herself that she didn’t love him.Because he believed she did.It had something to do with her parents and losing them, but her reasoning made no sense to him.
“Riley?”
He looked up to see Letty standing in the barn doorway.He’d been petting Meteor but he stopped and met her partway.She looked beautiful in her puffy warm jacket, a short skirt, leggings, and boots.Her hair was fluttering around her face, the short strands a rich brown.He ached to sink his hands in it while he kissed her, but that wasn’t going to happen.“Mom’s been asking about you.I’m glad you came.”
“I don’t want to break up.”
His heart leapt but he told himself it was too good to be true.“Ever?”
“No…but I don’t want to break up right now.We said we were going to have fun until New Year’s.We’re supposed to part as friends then.”
And he’d been right.“I can’t part as friends when I don’t want to part at all.”
“So it’s all or nothing with you?”
“Yes.I told you I’m in love with you.”He thought about asking her if she loved him, but he wasn’t a masochist.Even if she did, orespeciallyif she did, she’d deny it.
“You’re not in love with me.You’re in love with who you think I am.Who you think I should be.”
“You’re wrong, Letty.I know exactly who you are.And I love you the way you are, not the way I think you should be.When have I ever wanted you to be different than who you are?”
“It doesn’t matter.I can’t.I can’t do what you want.”
“You could if you’d just admit how you feel about me.”She wouldn’t, though.If Letty admitted she loved him she’d have to admit she didn’t want to break up either.
