“I'm saying I knew what this was. I knew why you picked me. And I did it anyway.” My voice does something. I steady it. “I did it anyway because I wanted to. Because I'd never wanted anything in my life, and you were the first thing I couldn't not want. And I thought, okay. Even if this is revenge for him, it's still mine. It's still the first thing I ever picked.”
He doesn't say anything. He's looking at me like I've hit him square in the chest with something heavy.
“So I just… need to know.” I make myself look at him. “Is that still what this is?”
He opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again.
“No.”
The word sits between us.
“No.”
“That was the original plan.” His hand comes up. Finds the side of my face. Holds it like it matters. “Things have changed.”
I stop breathing for a second.
“When?” I say. It comes out almost steady.
“I don't know. Somewhere between the first hookup and this morning. I didn't notice it happen. But suddenly I was thinking about you when you weren’t there, wanting you in my space, wanting to be with you again. I wasn't doing it on purpose. I was just doing it. That's when I knew.”
I swallow hard.
“Okay.”
“I don't say this stuff, Theo. I'm not… I don't know how to do this part.”
My hand finds his wrist.
“You're doing it.”
“I'm saying it bad.”
“You're saying it fine.”
His thumb is on my cheekbone. His eyes are on mine. He looks terrified. He looks like a man who just stepped off a cliff voluntarily and is only now realizing gravity exists.
“You opened my whole world,” I say.
I don't know who moves first. I think I do. I think I reach for him and he meets me halfway because he's been waiting for me to reach. The kiss is slow. This one has weight behind it. This one is a sentence spoken after a long pause.
He leans back. Pulls me with him so I'm against his chest. Kisses my forehead. Kisses my temple. Murmurs something into my hair that I half-hear—I've got you, sweetheart, I've got you.
I climb into his lap. I don't think about it. My body just wants to be closer. He helps me—hands on my hips, guiding me, settling me on him. His hands are steady. Mine are not.
“Bedroom,” he says into my mouth.
“Yeah.”
He stands up with me still on him, which shouldn't work and works, and he carries me through the apartment to the bedroom. He sets me down on the edge of the mattress, and he kneels.
I've never seen him on his knees. I don't even know what to do with my face.
“Hey,” he says, looking up at me. One hand on my thigh, thumb moving slow. “I'm going to take care of you tonight. Not fuck you.Take care of you.I want you to know the difference.”
I nod because my voice is not available.
“You tell me if anything is too much.”
