I trace my thumb over the ridged, stainless steel lip of the table. “Missing her?”
Evan stares at me for so long I think he isn’t going to answer, but then he says, “Of course, it is, Jack. Do you really think I don’t miss her?”
“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “No, I know you do. I just—for so long, I couldn’t…” I trail off, swallowing against the lump rising in my throat. It’s hard to speak around it.
My brother watches me, then his face softens in understanding. “Is that why you’ve stayed away for so long?”
I blink, eyes stinging. “It was just so hard to be back here without her, you know?”
“Yeah, I get it,” he says, nudging my foot with his beneath the table.
When we were little and shared a bed, he used to wake me up in the middle of the night just like that when he had nightmares. I would tell him stories until he fell back asleep. I’m not sure when he became the one comforting me instead.
“Is it still just as bad?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No, I was expecting it to be worse, but it’s…nice. To be back here. To remember all the things we used to do, the places we used to go. I still miss her so much, but being back here makes me feel close to her, too.”
I thought it would, but I thought it would hurt. I thought her presence would feel like a ghost haunting me, but it doesn’t. It feels like she’s smiling at us, here in this booth, in one of the places the three of us loved so much.
“It was hard at first, especially with you being gone,” Evan says, and it feels like a kick in my gut, even though I know he doesn’t mean it to. “But it got easier. I avoided a lot of our spots for a long time, but when I started going back, that’s how it felt. It was nice to be back in the places we made so many good memories.” He lets out a small laugh. “The apartment was vacant a few years ago, and I convinced the custodian to let me in. I just sat there on that nasty, stained carpet and talked to her. I felt closer to her there than I ever have at her grave.”
My chest squeezes. “I should have been there with you.”
He nods, but there’s no malice in it. “Maybe next time, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I agree, my voice a rough scrape. I squeeze my hands together under the table. “I was actually thinking about staying for a bit, if you wouldn’t mind having me around. I talked to Clint, and he told me there’s an open cabin at the ranch I could stay in for a few weeks.”
Evan’s eyes spark. “You can’t get enough of me, huh?”
I roll my eyes. “That’s exactly it.”
He nudges my foot again. “It’d be nice to have you back for a while.”
Betty shows up with two mugs of coffee to take our order, smelling of the cigarette I’m sure she took a break to smoke outside. They slosh onto the table as she sets them down then pulls out a worn spiral notebook stained with coffee and syrup.After we order, she turns, yelling it back at the cook, and heads for another table. I don’t recognize the cook, but I’m sure I will after another few weeks here.
“So tell me about this girl,” Evan says.
I lift a brow, although my heart races. “Who?”
“Stevie,” he says with a smirk.
“What about her?”
“Well, you’ve very intentionally left her out of any and all conversations about your time in North Carolina, but I heard you talking to her on the phone the other night, and I saw you texting her yesterday.”
“You’re spying on me?”
His eyes roll hard enough he must give himself a headache. “Just answer the question, shit stain.”
I shrug. “There’s nothing going on.”
“Mmhmm,” he says over the lip of his mug.
“There’s not, really. We both wanted something to happen, but neither of us were interested in something casual, and it couldn’t go anywhere.” The truth tastes bitter in my mouth.
“Why not?”
A sigh heaves out of me. “Because she’s not interested in leaving North Carolina.”
