Her grip tightened on my hand. “To be honest, I’m a bit surprised. I see you leave parties with boys all the time, but…that’s not embarrassing, T.”
“Yes it is,” I said. “I’m nineteen years old, it’s almost the end of freshman year, and I’ve never done it.” I glanced around to see if anyone had overheard us, but we were speaking quietly, and everyone nearby had their headphones on.
“So what?” Willow replied gently. “There are tons of nineteen-year-old virgins. And twenty-year-old virgins. And on and on and on. It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me,” I said quietly.
“Why?”
“Because…” I thought of high school. How I felt every time I walked down the hallways, clutching my books. “Because it makes me feel like a loser.”
“Tessa.” Willow’s voice was firmer now. “You literally have it all. You’re smart, you’re pretty, you’re the life of the partyandyou’re an amazing friend. Being a virgin does not make you a loser. I love you, but thinking that is absolutely ridiculous.”
I picked at a thread at the hem of my shirt. If I was honest with myself, I knew she was right. If one of my friends told me they were a virgin, I’d tell them the same thing. It didn’t matter. I would never judge them for it.
But I judged myself. Maybe it was because every time I looked in the mirror, I saw the same thing. I saw the same Tessa Davenport.
“I just want to get rid of it,” I said in a small voice.
“It’s not a flaw. It’s not something you need to get rid of.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. In the end, I just shrugged.
Willow pulled me into a hug, surprising me. “Listen,” she said into my ear. “Obviously, you can whatever you want. It’s your life and it’s your body. All I ask is that when you do it, you feel safe. And you feel cared for. Okay?”
She untangled herself from me, and I smiled and nodded. “Okay.”
The following evening, I found myself in the lobby of Ryan’s apartment building, my handbag heavy with my textbook, notebooks, and my pencil case.
There were butterflies in my stomach, but I wasn’t as nervous as I had been the other night.
This was it. This was the night I’d lose my virginity.
Willow had given me a lot to think about. She was right. My virginity wasn’t something I had to get rid of. But there was something I had forgotten to mention: I wanted to lose my virginity was because I wanted to have sex. I wanted to feel a man’s body on top of me. I wanted to feel him inside me.
The elevator dinged and Ryan walked out. Tall and broad shoulders, with that dark honey hair and stunning eyes. And I knew, deep in my bones, that this wasn’t an obligation. I wasn’t here just because. Iwantedhim. I wanted to feel his fingers on me again. I wanted him to push inside me. To take me.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” I followed him into the elevator and he pressed the button for his floor.
“Did you bring your study stuff?”
I gestured to my handbag.
The elevator ride was quiet. I kept glancing at him in the corner of my eye, wondering what he would look like with his clothes off. He didn’t take his clothes off last time. Though, to be fair, neither had I.
Tonight, I’d strip bare for him. The thought made me shiver.
The elevator arrived with a ding and we walked to his apartment. After he let me in, he showed me to his desk and gestured for me to sit down. He got me a glass of water without me needing to ask.
After pulling another chair over, he sat next to me and we started studying, but after five minutes, I caught myself fidgeting.
“Ryan?”
He set his pen down, putting his eyes on me. I’d never seen eyes that green. “Yes, Tessa?”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to concentrate when later…we’re going to have sex.”
