Maybe she’ll gloss over this altogether. Maybe she’ll bring up the weather next.
But no. That’s wishful fucking thinking.
“You compete as Emmett Bush. Hell, this show is all based around a bachelor named Emmett Bush.”
I flatten my hand against her lower back, working on pulling the spines as gently and quickly as I can, diverting my own attention as I speak. Telling myself that I’m only divulging this to her because it seems to be providing her some distraction from her mortification.
“My mom and biological dad were never together. He was the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Lived on a ranch nearby.” I play the conversation off like it’s no big deal. Even though the ten-year-old boy inside of me is almost always upset by reminiscing about this part of my life.
Her head lifts farther as she turns to peek at me from over her shoulder. I don’t hold her gaze.
“It was a one-night mistake that ended up being a lifelong connection.” I shrug as though that explains anything at all.
Then, I take another peek.
But Julia doesn’t say anything. She blinks at me, a curious, innocent expression touching that pretty fucking face. Normally, I’d end it there and walk away. But there’s something about her expectant gaze that makes me feel like I should dig a little deeper.
“My biological father was in and out of the picture constantly. Unreliable and verbally abusive. So, my mom gave me her last name and kept me away from him. She raised me on her own, but not for long because she met our stepdad when I was still little. He basically became the only dad I ever knew.”
“Wait,” she says. “So you and your siblingsallhave your mom’s last name? I’m pretty sure that’s how they introduced themselves.”
“Yeah, they do. And I think it became a thing for her. Maybe it was something about the farm name and wanting to carry onthat tradition. Or maybe it was that my sperm donor fucked her up. Hell, maybe my trust issues are hereditary.”
A humorless laugh spills from my lips as I stare off for a moment. Because it’s never occurred to me in such simple terms that I got my blue eyesandmy guardedness from my mom.
With a shake of my head, I continue. “All I know is she never married my stepdad. Not legally anyway. But he stuck around and never pushed her about it. I don’t think he cared if it was on paper. He was just happy to build a life with her in any way she’d allow him to.”
A glance up and I can see Julia swallow as she nods. She’s digesting my overshare with such tact that I’m not nearly as embarrassed about my history as I thought I’d be.
Shit, I might even feel better for having said it out loud.
I study her. Blood on her knees, a piece of cactus in her hair. She looks ridiculous. And yet, I find myself unable to look away.
She wears her feelings right out in the open in every facial expression, in every bit of body language. I can read her so easily, and I wonder what it’s like to not live locked down like I do.
“Okay, so you grew up a Brandt, and now you’re a Bush, at least publicly. Your biological dad is a piece of shit though, right? So how’d you end up with that name?” she asks, blasting through any boundaries that I would normally hide behind during a conversation like this. Especially with someone I barely know.
“Okay, I’m moving to the other side,” I announce in an awkward bid to divert this conversation.
But then I pull out a big one, and she makes this sad little whimper noise that hits me like a bullet to chest.
So I keep talking and working.
Only to distract her.
“My parents, my mom and stepdad, died in a head-on collision on Christmas Day. You know, there one day, gone thenext.” I laugh, but it’s out of pure discomfort, not because there’s anything funny about what I’ve just said. Admitting that they’re gone out loud still pains me as much as the day it happened. People told me it would get easier. But it hasn’t.
“I was ten when it happened, the oldest of the four. And it only took a couple of months for Carl to crawl out of the woodwork and fight my grandparents for custody that he’d previously only wanted so he could turn me into his very own rodeo protégé. My mom didn’t want me to be sucked into that scene. You know well how dangerous it is. So she had kept me away. Makes me realize how fierce my mom was. How she protected me from the world—from him. But with her out of the picture, shit got messy. Pretty sure he only came back for me to spite her for ruining his plans. So Oma and Opa fought him. They fought hard enough to keep me for fifty percent of the time. Even though they never made me feel like I was only fifty percent theirs.”
I did that to myself.
A boy split between two lives. The only one I’d ever known and the one that couldn’t have been more different from what I lived on the farm.
“Carl introduced me to the rodeo world and in no time at all, he had me competing under his family name. He couldn’t ride for shit, but he did know the sport inside and out. So he lived his dreams vicariously through me. And I was fucking good at it.”
I shake my head thinking back on that time in my life. The balancing act I had to pull off. The appeasing of everyone around me. The pretending that everything was fine. I was exhausted.
“So now, to the outside world, my name may be Bush. But at heart—and on paper—I’ll always be a Brandt.”
