I might not have wrecked him with my ignorance, with my choices and the silent years between us, but I don’t deserve him now any more than I did then. I need him to let this go. I need him to…
You need nothing from him. You have no right to demand anything.
“You were going to let me move somewhere else?” I ask, my voice so tiny and lost that I can barely even hear myself. “You were encouraging me. Why would you do that? Do you enjoy hurting yourself? Is this some kind of punishment?”
“No,” he breathes. “I want you to be happy.”
“What about you?”
“Seeing you happy would make me happy.”
I’m going to explode. I’m going to die. How could I have been so stupid? Wasted so much time?
Is this my story? A collection of memories that I now understand so differently? Words unsaid and near misses while all the time I contented myself with scraps?
“I’m freaking out,” I admit, like it’s not obvious.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk right now. Not when we’re both messy and our emotions are all over the place, like a warzone.”
He’s exactly right about that. I feel like I’m bleeding out and I need to mop it up. I need space.
“I’m sorry.” Wizard’s breaking apart too. He’s the last person who deserves this. He’s always done everything he could to shelter me, and all he ever did truly ask was that I behappy. “I’ve always wanted to be your safe place, not the person who turns you inside out and wounds you.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not about fault at all.”
“I need some time. It might let me sort some things out so I can take a breath. This is… earthshattering.”
“You can still leave. Still find that perfect job and perfect place.”
“I can’t! Stop it.” I stomp my foot like a little kid throwing a tantrum. “Don’t say anything else. I won’t let you. There is no such thing as perfect, no matter what it looks like on the outside. I’ve learned that the hard way. Maybe I’d like to be done learning hard lessons.”
“Okay.” His eyes are all heat, even though they’re swimming and glassy. If he cries, I’m not going to survive it. Will I even survive as it is? I’m standing in the wake of this life shattering exhalation, not knowing if we’ll ever take another breath. “Just please don’t leave the club alone. If you want to go out, will you let me find someone to go with you?”
“There’s almost no one here. Just the guys doing guard duty, or whatever, and they can’t leave. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. I think I’ve caused more than enough of that for your club. I’m not going out. I’ll go down to your room and I’ll stay there. I promise.”
“Will you stay if I need to leave?”
“Why are you leaving?” I want to step closer to him. I want to give him just a fraction of the light I should have offered him all those years ago. I know he’d say that I did, butI can’t see it. If I have even a shred of humanity left in me, I need to be a friend for him now. I need to look after him the way he’s always looked after me. No matter how confused and broken I am, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about him. “You shouldn’t ride right now. You’re upset.”
“I’m fine to ride. There’s something I need to do. I should have gone over there earlier, but I didn’t know how to say what I needed to say. I think I have the words now.”
“Angry words.”
“No.”
I can see that it’s the truth. I also know where he’s going, and he shouldn’t have to go there alone. “You don’t have to head to your parents’ house alone. I could go with you. We could tell them about all of this together.”
Wizard’s hands flex and curl at his sides again. “I need to tell them who my brother really is and if they refuse to believe me or see it, then that might be it.”
I don’t know what he means, but I can’t ask him to explain himself. He needs a minute and a breath as badly as I do. We both probably need to learn how to heal all the broken bones inside of us.
“Can I walk you down?”
Even after all of this, Wizard is so kind. It makes my lungs heavy. I smother another sob. My heart redlines in my chest, battering my bruised ribs and defunct lungs.
I nod and watch as he gathers up his tech and the blanket. He walks behind me, always there, ready to catch me if I fall. He opens the heavy steel door for me and lets me setthe pace. I walk quickly, but not because I’m eager to get away from him. I just need the quiet and privacy of his room so I can attempt to pick this apart.
