The dawn is barely a watery suggestion of pale buttermilk and tangerine when I press myself up to my elbow. My side aches from spending hours in the same position, nothing to bracket me from the ground except the hard grass.
And Wizard’s shoulder, where I rested my cheek this entire time.
I stayed awake after he fell asleep. Through darkly bruised hours and dying firelight, through shimmering stars and a chilly coating of dew, I picked something out of my bones and thrust it into the forefront of my mind.
Everyone deserves love, but Wizard deservestheone. I know he’s a realist, but in his heart of hearts, he wants the kind of love that rides off into the sunset. That true once in a lifetime love.
I hoist myself up and roll my neck. There’s a kink in it that’s not going to come out until I lift my arms overhead and stretch, then give it a good massage.
I crawl to the edge of the blanket, drag my legs up tight, and drop my head down on them instead. I watch Wizard like I listened to him all night. His slow, gentle breathing. His heat. The little twitches in his muscles. I wanted to take care of him. Protect him. I want to save him from what’s in his heart. It’s me. I have no idea how to deal with a love like his. I can’t talk him out of it. He’s never asked me for a single thing as far as I canremember, but in a way, he asked me for this.Listen. Stay. Try. Please.
I thought about it. For hours, I battled it out. I went to war with myself again.
I’m not a forever kind of person.
I’m the girl that you use up and discard. I’m the one with the messy family, the jagged edges, the broken pieces so pulverized that even assembled into some kind of order, I’d be full of gaping holes.
I’m terrified that maybe I feel some of what he does. That maybe, if we had the time, I could love him. That the base of our friendship and the tremendous amount of love and trust that we both poured into it could grow into something else. I’ve always thought he was beautiful, and since the fireworks when I had my eyes open, there’s been more than a slow trickle of attraction. If I removed every obstacle in my head and heart, and if I let myself, in short order, I could burn for this man so hot and wild that I’d be a pillar of fire.
“I want to try,” I whisper so quietly that I barely even hear my voice. Wizard doesn’t stir. “I want to so badly. I want to love you and be loved by you. You have no idea how much I love you already. I could kiss you and touch you and desire you and sleep beside you and have my heart and soul nearly burst out of my chest and leave my body to go flying up there in all those stars that looked down on us. We could grow into each other, but we couldn’t grow old. I’d fuck this all up way before then and your beautiful heart would be nothing but dust and atoms.”
My legs are stiff and the rest of me is achy. Physically, and in every other way. I haven’t left yet, and I already miss this place. It’s magic, just like Wizard said. I’m going to rip a gianthole in his happiness. He’ll never be able to look back at this as an escape once I make mine. I’m leaving and that’s going to kill him.
Breaking his heart now is better than later.
I slip off the blanket, stuff my feet in my shoes, and look at Wizard’s face. He’s relaxed in sleep, soft and unguarded. Not so different from when he’s awake and there’s all that kindness, and patience radiating out of him. I study his eyelashes resting on his golden cheeks, pinked a little with the flush of deep sleep. He’s a masterpiece. Gorgeous beyond all logic.
I shrug out of his jacket, even though my eyes well with tears and the world turns watery. I drape his plaid over him, but his scent clings to me.
I want to crawl back onto the blanket. I want to curl against his side. I want to curl upinsideof him. I want to rub myself over every inch of his skin until his scent is embedded all over me. I want to mark myself with him, open the circle of my arms, and pull him close. I want to hide in him, watch the dawn with him, trade memories, secrets, and laughter.
Instead, I walk to the cabin without looking back. If I turn around, I’ll be just another tragic figure that looked over my shoulder, but I won’t be looking at my own ruin. I’ll be seeing the destruction of a man who should be lovedproperly.
I gather up my things, stuffing them into my bag, while my thoughts hound me.I zip my duffel up and toss it over my shoulder.
Don’t be a callous bitch.
I’m quiet as I shut the door. The sunrise is breathtaking. The watery light has morphed into shades of magenta and honeysuckle.
Be brave for once in your life.
I quietly unlock my car. I open the door slowly, so that I don’t make a sound. I throw my duffel too hard onto the passenger seat, gritting my teeth against turning the world into a salt stained mess.
Take a chance on feeling something instead of flowing with the tide of nothingness.
The start button is right there. All I have to do is punch it and drive away.
Imagine what you could be. Why are you still leaving?
I drop my head into my hands. I can’t let myself break down. I wipe away my tears too viciously and sniffle loudly into the enclosed space.
Coward. Coward, coward, coward.
I start the car. I still can’t see much of anything. The world is a blurry mess.
You can’t be afraid and call that sacrifice.
My heart races so loudly that I can hear it beating over my sniffles. It drums in my ears and throbs in my temples. I grind my teeth.
